Thoughts about my friend and her husband

Please can someone check and feedback on my models – I’ve done several to cover the different thoughts and feelings but only on intentional which I think covers all – but it doesn’t feel ‘true’ enough.

C: My friend and her husband are coming tomorrow.
T: I don’t like him.
F: Uncomfortable.
A: Don’t know how to respond to him.
A: Trying to engage with him/make him interested.
A: Constantly watching him for a reaction/interest
A: Fret about what he thinks of me or what he’ll say to me.
A: Try to appease him.
R: Am not open to enjoying or able to enjoy the evening.

C: My friend and her husband are coming tomorrow.
T: He’s a bit intimidating.
F: Intimidated
A: Don’t know how to respond to him.
A: Trying to engage with him/make him interested.
A: Constantly watching him for a reaction/interest
A: Fret about what he thinks of me or what he’ll say to me.
A: Try to appease him.
R: Am not open to enjoying or able to enjoy the evening.

C: My friend and her husband are coming tomorrow.
T: He won’t really make an effort to be ‘nice’.
F: Annoyed.
A: Don’t know how to respond to him.
A: Trying to engage with him/make him interested.
A: Constantly watching him for a reaction/interest
A: Fret about what he thinks of me or what he’ll say to me.
A: Try to appease him.
R: Am not open to enjoying or able to enjoy the evening.

C: My friend and her husband are coming tomorrow.
T: I don’t know how to behave around him.
F: Awkward
A: Trying to engage with him/make him interested.
A: Constantly watching him for a reaction/interest
A: Fret about what he thinks of me or what he’ll say to me.
A: Try to appease him.
R: Am not open to enjoying or able to enjoy the evening.

C: My friend and her husband are coming tomorrow.
T: I don’t think he likes me.
F: Insecure
A: Don’t know how to respond to him.
A: Trying to engage with him/make him interested.
A: Constantly watching him for a reaction/interest
A: Fret about what he thinks of me or what he’ll say to me.
A: Try to appease him.
R: Am not open to enjoying or able to enjoy the evening.

C: My friend and her husband are coming tomorrow.
T: He might say something negative to me and I won’t know how to respond.
F: Worried
A: Don’t know how to respond to him.
A: Trying to engage with him/make him interested.
A: Constantly watching him for a reaction/interest
A: Fret about what he thinks of me or what he’ll say to me.
A: Try to appease him.
R: Am not open to enjoying or able to enjoy the evening.

Neutral thoughts/models:

C: My friend and her husband are coming tomorrow.
T: It’s OK that I have nothing in common with him.
F: Accepting/Comfortable?
A: Be polite and welcoming.
A: Don’t try to force the conversation.
A: Don’t try to impress him.
A: Spend time in the intentional thought model.
R: Allow the evening to unfold as it does and not make it mean anything about me.

 

Answer:

 It seems like you have quite a bit of awareness of your thoughts about your friend’s husband. As for feedback, it is true that many actions we can take will be similar with different feelings. However, if you’d like to really dig into the models, I’d encourage you to get very curious and particular about the different things you do (and don’t do) from the different feelings you identified in your UMs. For example:

C: My friend and her husband are coming tomorrow.
T: He might say something negative to me and I won’t know how to respond.
F: Worried
A: Don’t know how to respond to him (or…stumble over my words, freeze instead of responding, etc.)
A: Trying to engage with him/make him interested. (Try to keep conversation light and manage our discussions)
A: Constantly watching him for a reaction/interest
A: Fret about what he thinks of me or what he’ll say to me.
A: Try to appease him.

A: Create scenarios in my head about what he might say and how I could respond and what the fallout might be after for me and my friend

A: Wonder whether it means something bad about me if I don’t respond like I think a more confident person would

A: Don’t think about the possibility that I could choose to say exactly what I want to say

A: Don’t use the tools I have to calm and center myself

It seems like the result you think you’ll create in these models is actually coming from this thought: “The evening is not going to be enjoyable because of my friend’s husband.” Do you see how that is more connected to the R that you have in all of your models? Can you connect your R lines more directly to the Ts that you’ve identified? For example:

T: I don’t like him. R: I don’t like myself around him

T: I don’t think he likes me. R: I don’t like me.

T: I don’t know how to behave around him. R: I continue to believe that I don’t know how to behave around him.

I’m hearing that you want to feel okay with the fact that you don’t have anything in common with your friend’s husband, and that you also feel intimidated and uncomfortable (aka, unsafe) around him. Instead of trying to convince yourself that things are okay, consider what creates feelings of safety and comfort within you when it comes to the evening that have nothing to do with him. What thoughts soothe or empower you? Is there one that can be your mantra or tagline throughout the evening? If so, how can you come back to that thought when you notice that you’re drifting into, or fully in your unintentional models? Finally, if you can, watch/listen to the Creating Safety webinar in the Cycle Toolkit before you host for the evening. We have your back. Let us know how the evening goes and what results you created!