Thoughts and feelings about going back (work related)

Last year I left an on-paper great (and much sought-after) consultancy role in a charity because I felt there was a lack of emotional intelligence and opportunities to progress at the top and a culture of sexism. Before leaving I put a LOT of effort into internal diversity, equity and inclusion work, but it never seemed to go anywhere, I just got labelled as a rebel. After a combination of personal challenges (my husband was made redundant, my mum had a stroke, I had surgery, got diagnosed with ADHD and took my driving test after 22 years of driving anxiety plus my youngest was having trouble at nursery, all within a few weeks) left me feeling exhausted and desperate to escape.

An opportunity to work on a separate innovation project presented itself, which although not enough money to pay the mortgage, was in the social housing sector which I am passionate about. So I left my stable job, started my own non-profit, and was met with a huge amount of love and well wishes from my peers, including lots of “this is definitely the right move!” and “you can do it!”, a generous whip-round leaving present and a card full of lovely messages.

6 months later and I never got funding for the next stage of the project. We smashed all our objectives, I know this wasn’t my failure (the energy company pulled out, having ticked it’s CSR box by funding the pilot). But it feels embarrassing and public. I have been sending out grant proposals day and night and trying to network to raise funding for new projects, and contributing to discussions on social media, but I’ve had complete silence from funders. I am still being invited to speak on industry panels and attend networking events but (as is common in the charity sector) no one will pay for my time, travel or accommodation and there is a lot of guilt-tripping (women especially) to contribute input for free. Which is fine if I were working for an org on a salary but I’m not.

Since leaving my old job, the DEI messaging has finally got through and the Board have made structural changes and brought in a new (female) CEO. Former colleagues tell me they are now implementing ideas that I championed. Meanwhile, I’ve eaten away at most of our savings and am feeling very panicky about money and guilty (we have two young children, an old house with a broken boiler and will have to have a lean Christmas because I’m not earning). This might be clouding my judgment but I’m fantasising about going back to old job, working in a team again and being paid regularly.

But I have lots of conflicting thoughts about this. No one ever celebrates going back, its not what film heroes do, it’s seen as a cop out. Jerry Maguire wasn’t all “actually this is quite hard and lonely can I have my old job back please”. You’re supposed to have a crisis of confidence, but then find your inner resolve and ultimately win the day.

Plus I know there are still issues where I used to work and in similar orgs and part of me does love working for myself. But even if I think about getting a new contract, I don’t feel as energised about it as I think I should, I just feel tired. I know I’m holding back on going all out fundraising for my new org because I’m scared of an even more public failure and it makes it harder to go back. Plus going back might not even be a possibility. My husband has been very supportive but I can tell he’s also very worried about money and feeling the pressure to provide and its impacting his mental health too.

I also wonder whether this just isn’t the right time, with small kids and a parent to look after and lots of grant funding being reduced because of inflation. I also recognise some black-and-white thinking – I could try to do 2 days in my former org or another org to pay the bills while still building my own thing. My ADHD brain hates that idea, I tend to be “all in” on everything. But if it’s that or give up the dream, or be unable to pay my bills, maybe that’s the best way forward and I need to re-frame it as a strategic move rather than a step back. I do struggle with juggling different clients and roles, I would need to be much better with boundaries than I was before. The non-profit sector glorifies overwork and working outside of contacted hours.

I’m not usually an indecisive person, I usually have a strong gut reaction that tells me what I need to do but I think the past year has eaten away at my sense of self. (Also had to come off my ADHD meds because the clinic won’t re-new the prescription unless I pay £600, which isn’t helping.)

Phew sorry that’s a lot! Here is the model I’m using:

C: Left my job, new revenue stream has stopped and currently not earning money. Have choice about what to do next. People from old job tell me some of my reasons for leaving have now been resolved (partly due to me standing up for values previously).

T: People are looking at me to see whether I succeed or fail. I have my pride. I don’t have much evidence that I’m valuable or good at what I do right now. I miss working as part of a team. Going back is quitting, quitting is failure, I usually have more resolve than this. I am a bad mother and partner because I’m not providing for my family. I’m running out of time. Did I jump too early before or was I following my heart and honouring my inner “no”? Some people who are unhappy in my old org but didn’t leave will smirk and be happy that I’ve come crawling back, I don’t want to give them the satisfaction.

F: Shame, embarrassment, loneliness, not valuable, exhaustion, paralysis.

A: Holding back from publicising new project (currently unfunded) because I don’t want to fail publicly, canvassing opinion from others with different values and baggage to me, fretting about what to do an going over and over options in my head – spinning my wheels. Procrastinating.

Result: Stuck at a cross-roads unable to commit to a plan.

Thank you so much! xx

 

 

Answer:

No need to apologize, this is the perfect place to do a thought download and figure out what you want next. Your model has a lot in it. Try choosing one thought, one feeling and one result and put them into their own models. It doesn’t matter where you start. What we want is clarity.  Right now everything feels uncertain and stuck. That’s ok. We can get through this one step at a time.

I also want to point out a few things.  First, it’s impossible to make the wrong choice. You absolutely did what you were supposed to when you left your job to start your own non-profit.  How is that true?

Second: There is no such thing as going back.  How is that true for you in this moment?

Third: We cheer for any human who is out there taking action.  A thought for you that came to my mind as I read your story is this: I always win the day.  What would happen if you truly believed that? Did you know you can just choose to believe it?

Listen to yourself.  You know what to do. You get to choose your uncomfortable. You get to dive in not knowing the outcome. Isn’t it fun?