Thoughts & decision around taking sick leave

Hello,
I am in my final year of my PhD. After 6 years, I am one 50-page paper away from graduating! However, the last 2-3 months have been hell, for many reasons, and my physical health has been on the rocks. I have recently recovered from surgery, and although I’m physically doing much better, my mental health hasn’t been good. I have spent most of the last 2+ months crying, so, so much, almost every single day. Thoughts I’ve been having every day have been “I can’t cope anymore, this is too much, I need a break, I need to drop out for a year”. Yesterday (on Day 2 of my cycle), having cried for hours, I decided enough was enough, and I emailed faculty about taking sick leave until January, so that I could fly home to my family and have a bit of TLC. I’ve been nursing myself through the surgery and it’s been really painful and lonely. And I’m not getting any work done because I am crying so much.

But my brain has gone into overdrive about what this means. I live in NYC, and I love it here. I’ve spent a lot of time at home (Ireland) since the start of the pandemic, firstly because of the pandemic and then because of work obligations. I feel like I haven’t “made the most of NYC” (my visa will be up in June unless I can find work), that everybody thinks I’m never here, that by not showing up to concerts (I’m in music) people will forget I exist and I won’t get any work, that going home makes me weak/ pathetic, that I can’t take care of myself, shouldn’t be wanting to fly home to my mum aged 35, etc etc. So many mean thoughts! And then, my family (who have been heartbroken seeing what I’ve been going through from afar, and would love to be able to look after me a bit) have even said maybe I would prefer some time in NYC and I could work on my dissertation at nice cafés, see friends etc (as I’m always complaining about the fact that I’m never in NYC!). I think these are good points.

Part of me is tempted not to go home anymore, and try to implement some really good self-care in my days here. But I feel embarrassed that on Day 2 of my cycle – in a total meltdown – I emailed faculty and announced I needed to go home etc. I wish I had waited just a few more days. (On the other hand, I had been tempted to talk to them about taking a leave for weeks). I fear they’ll judge me if I stay in the city after being so dramatic (but they know I’ve had two surgeries in 2 months…). My professors are some of the biggest names in my field and I’m always so scared about what they will think.

The kinder part of my brain tells me that going home for a while is actually a lovely act of self-care. I could really recuperate, work on the final part of my program while being looked after, and come back in January fresh and energized for a final semester. But I truly don’t know what I want. I just rewatched Maisie’s decision-making webinar but thought I’d send this in anyway as my brain is so jumbled. I would love some help with all of those thoughts, and also guidance about deciding what is best for me right now. Thank you 🙂

 

 

Answer:

We’re allowed to want to give up and go home any day of our cycle. Not a problem. Just part of being human. We are also allowed to change our minds even after sending an email. What your professors think is none of your business.  You do still have all your options open.

What is too much? Break down what’s really seeming challenging and why,including your thoughts. Look at your list and see what items you could make easier without much effort. See what items you could drop off the list for now. The items that are still there can be broken down into smaller tasks that won’t seem so overwhelming. For example, a 50 page paper could be one page/day for 50 days. How could you get help with these challenges? For example getting a few peers to make an accountability group.  What other options have you not thought of yet? Are there any thoughts that are believeable to you about your ability to stay? After you’ve looked at this list if you still feel it’s unmanageable, go home with complete confidence. You can’t make the wrong decision, truly. NYC will still be there for you as will your career and music.

I would also offer that if you are crying daily and your emotions are interfering with you getting basic tasks done you may want to see a doctor or mental health professional. You don’t have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. It’s ok to get help.