Thoughts/Feelings About Work Part 5

Having read back through the last entry I do believe I was burnt out. But a lot of what I’ve brought up previously in this thread keeps coming back up so wan to continue the work on this.
I would like some coaching on some messy imperfect notes around my thoughts and feelings towards work, a lot of which has come up before. I was reading a book about how not to pin your values, happiness etc all in work; how to not pin success on just your “career”. I started reader it because I’ve not been enjoying my job for a while. And now I’m more confused because I applied for a writing job last week (didn’t even bother to take it seriously) and now I’ve been invited for an interview.

I saw myself as a print designer, working in textiles and being creative, and without that I’ve never known who I am. I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces all this time whilst striving for security – both financially and in myself, and in a place. I’m aware I could’ve had the aforementioned happen and still feel how I do now.
I’m trapped in “arrival fallacy”, which I know cannot act as the cure for which I am subconsciously hoping it’ll be when I get there. I know it’s not the solution to how I’m feeling – about myself, my life, my thinking. Maybe I can’t zoom out and see my self-worth because it’s not there.
I need to accept the reality of my present but it’s hard when it’s tinged with montages of a different life in the future, whilst the past acts like a judge that’s alway there; this anchor I’m tied to. About my current situation: I can’t help but think “this could be the best job I’ll ever have and I don’t know it.” I’ll never know until I risk moving on but it’s hard to believe that when I feel so dissatisfied. When I compare myself to someone who I went to uni with or someone I don’t even know whose Instagram bio reads so reputable. I’ve gone from one thing to another in the hope it’ll bring success and security and ended up in a place I don’t really want to be. But I know there’s goodness here and I should reap it while I can but it doesn’t feel good enough because it wasn’t what I set out for.
I could say what I want but never achieve it; it never earn enough money to have what I have now; it could never matchup to the greatness I’ve bestowed it in my head already, but I can’t stop believing that job, that career will change me. Will make everything better.
What I want or thought I wanted and still base my wants on might never be mine to have. And if I’m honest, 15 years after graduating with those wants, I’m too afraid to try. None of this will get me the”job I want” I have to have the experience, the portfolio – the actual want to create those things – I can’t just get it.
I feel like I’ve been chasing safety for the past few years and I guess believing the job I was hoping to have wasn’t going to happen so I retreated in o anything that gave me safety and going for something because it’s what I thought I should do without thinking of the wider plan. I took my current job to escape the trapped feelings. I applied for a job last week which I’ve now been given an interview for but I can’t help but think I’m doing the same. Do I even want to work for this publication or do I want something else? I haven’t thought this through, do I really want this job? But I don’t really want the job I’m currently in – I night not want these jobs but are they the right thing for me?
I’ve believed I need to have this job, dress like tat, have a house like this, live there and do that all because I saw others living and doing that. So now nothing I do or chose feels like the hing I should be doing or should’ve done. I look at these people and they’d done the pathway I saw myself doing: getting the degree and climbed the ladder, doing well and gaining titles and working at good brands/companies. They moved to London or brought a house there. They don’t question “am I in the right career” or say “I’m not doing what I thought I would be doing.” (I know I will never know that)
And then I see people going back to uni/studying whilst renovating homes or moving and/or going on holidays. How do they start a fresh or try something new? I don’t believe this cycle will end.
I continue to feel dissatisfied and unsuccessful every day at work because it doesn’t match my “idea” of success because I’m still basing my success on what I thought I would do/saw myself doing.

 

 

Answer:

Why do you continue to feel dissatisfied and unsuccessful? Give yourself compassion as you continue searching through patterns, stories and notice any triggers that might be affecting you.  Notice any resistance to reality that is coming up.

Why does it feel like a bad thing that you have a vision for your life? What feels like the biggest obstacle to you getting from where you are to where you want to be? “arrival fallacy” is just made up. You have total permission to believe that you’ll be happier when you achieve xyz. What would be different if that was allowed?