Thoughts/Feelings About Work Part 8

Sadly I didn’t get the job in the end. The interview didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. I’ve spent a lot of time going over things I said/should’ve said, wondering if I should’ve mentioned salary and commuting negotiations during the interview – did that hinder my chances?, and worrying that that was my only chance of getting a job like that.
I still get bursts of disappointment about not getting it and feeling trapped.

I’ve had other thoughts come in since learning I didn’t get the job:
T: I’m never going to be good enough
T: I’m never going to amount to anything
T: I’m never going to get anywhere
T: My time has passed
T: It’s too late for me
T: Opportunities will never be available to me because of my location and financial commitments

Even though the thoughts aren’t staying, they’ve come in, they’ve left a mark and made me feel deflated and heavy.
I know going on social media has aided this, especially yesterday (cd7), bringing up this comparison. I saw someone I used to work with wearing a really lovely outfit and talking about going to London Fashion Week (they work for a fashion magazine). And I was already feeling a bit of weight as I was trying to do some creative writing for work and didn’t feel like it was good enough, so I buffered by going on my phone.
This brought up all the aforementioned thoughts. I tried distracting myself from the thoughts by putting my work away (and trying not to feel bad about it, it was a weekend after all), not going on my phone and reading as books have always made me feel safe and been a comfort. But those thoughts still lingered in my body. I tried to do a model:

C: Having unhelpful thoughts T:?? F: Vulnerable S: Heavy body A: Buffering, notice feeling in body, try to create safety R: Feel down for most of the day

I know these thoughts aren’t useful and only results in negative actions and beliefs. And I know this is the natural pathway my brain takes and in time I’ll create a healthier one, but I believe that nothing will change. Although I have realised in order for things to change I need to explore things but I’m scared of wasting time.
Recently I’ve thought about posting again on my fashion instagram I set up and enjoyed posting on years ago, or making mood boards to post, or even simply writing for me. But the thought that comes up is: what if I keep trying at something that isn’t meant for me. Is that a thought I should ignore? What if it’s true?
Just wanting a creative job isn’t enough. I have to show my creativity. Although I feel silly because some people I know in the industry aren’t making mood boards or making stuff to put on socials to get a better portfolio. I guess their jobs are enough to progress them further in the field. Yet I follow some well established people who are pushing creative content and don’t think the same of them.

I just want to fit into something, develop in to it and it be my thing I’m good at and progress in – but what that is I don’t know and it hurts to not know.

 

 

Answer:

Isn’t it interesting how our brains like to do the “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s” instead of just feeling sad? What emotions might you be resisting?  What do you think will happen if you just allow those feelings that have come up after not getting the job? Be curious and explore with no judgement or editing.

Often we are afraid that we’ll get swallowed up in these emotions and they will never go away.  More often than not, it is pushing them down that makes them want to keep popping back up like a beachball in a swimming pool.

You have some great questions here. Answer them. See what you’re most afraid of. Shine a light on it so it becomes less scary.  You know what you need to do. Just take the first step. Trust that you’ll adjust as necessary. The cool thing about not knowing our future, is that anything can happen.

what if I keep trying at something that isn’t meant for me. Is that a thought I should ignore? What if it’s true?