Thoughts my colleague has of me

Hi coaches, I am trying to unwrap some thoughts I have about something my colleague who happens to be also a good friend told me a couple of months ago. I am a hardworking, passionate, dedicated and give-it-all type of employee. I like my job and I still do it with dedication. However, in the past year due to some circumstances (inability to grow in my position, Corona pressure and doing the same tasks for a while now), I decided to take a different approach towards one: one that I consider more relaxed, I put less pressure on myself and before I stress I think twice if that work task is so important. But I also feel from time to time less motivated. My performance however has not been affected. On a bad day, when I was feeling a bit ‘I am done with this job’ my colleague/friend pulled me apart and asked me if I still like my job. Although it seems like a normal question for someone to ask, I felt attacked a bit: how dare you think I don’t like my job when you know me and I give 110%. I replied that sometimes I feel a bit demotivated but I still like the job. Since then she has been making more comments and checking more regularly on my work. Today she asked me after a team meeting if I was paying attention as on my face you can read boredom.
I know I should not let other people’s thoughts affect me, it is been difficult to ignore these messages. I want to have a talk with her but do not know how to approach it. I don’t want to say I am hurt by her words but I feel unclear about what her intentions are and I feel she is doubting the quality of my work. But maybe this is just in my mind. I really don’t want to give people the impressions I am not dedicated to my job.
I am not a direct person and confronting is not an easy task for me, any help on how I should approach this and how should I discuss my feelings with my colleague? Thank you!!

 

Answer:

Sometimes being vulnerable can feel like a confrontation, but it doesn’t mean that it is. Often times in situations like these, our brain is saying, “This is scary and scary is bad. You have to protect yourself.” Is it possible that this kind of conversation could be thought of as something else? A check-in? A chat? A quest for clarity? An invitation to communicate?

When you decide what kind of interaction you’d like to have, even if it is a confrontation, create an intentional model around that.

R: What would you like to accomplish (remember the R line is about you, not your colleague)?

A: What will it take to make that happen?

F: What kind of energy or feeling would you like to bring to it?

T: What thought or thoughts create that feeling for you?

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, what’s standing in your way of getting to or in that model? Come back to us for more help when you’re ready in a post titled “Colleague’s Thoughts pt. 2.”