Thoughts on friendships

I’m 36 and I feel like it’s only been until this year (the year that I’ve been more connected to myself, nature etc.) that it’s come up. It also might be because in previous years I was working through depression and there wasn’t space I guess.

I think I need coaching on friendships and the way I view them. At secondary school I started the year with a best friend sophie. We were very close. Once day I remember coming into school and she had been picked up by the popular mean girls. They didn’t like me and soon got to work on separating us. I felt alone, confused and had no idea how I’d become so unlikable over night. They bullied me that year and shrunk into myself.

I have met this same girl randomly when travelling in oz and we didn’t get on AND the other week when visiting the UK (she saw me said hi and walked on) clearly didn;t want to talk. We have nothing in common now and I don’t even want to be friends. So it’s weird I feel this is still playing into my life.

Anyway decades went by after school, bullying, I’m married, run a business, etc. but I think I’m still insecure about friendships. My husband tries to coach me on being less needy on whatsapp with friends. e.g. If I don’t get a response within a week I start talking about how they have dropped me, and what it means and why. I start to obsess about it.

I had bad experiences at university with friends – I even lived with my rapist (crazy i know) as i didn’t want to lose the other friends I had in the house by telling the truth. I also was suppose to move in with friends in another house during university and on the day I was suppose to move in they announced I was no longer welcome as one of the girls didn’t think she could live with me. So another blow on friends. By the way I didn’t stay in touch with 1 person across my 3 years of university after leaving. I run as fast as I could from university once graduating. Wanting to close the chapter like it never happened.

I have a different best friend called sophie these days and she is going through her own drama. Lately she has been ignoring me, and my husband says it’s about her drama it’s not about me – but I go over and over how it is and how she likes me less etc. I spend weeks worrying why she isn’t responding.

I opened up to her about how vulnerable I feel about friendships and she said she understood and would try to make me feel less shit and then just got worse. My husband said I should have not opened up.

Moving to another country – knowing no one hasn;t made things easy. I feel vulnerable and needy to make friends. Desperate sometimes. Anyway I went to volunteer on a ranch and made a friend, but I’m conscious not to be needy or come across that way. I think it effects my behaviour.

Anyway that’s the thought download.

 

 

Answer:

That all sounds really difficult. What if instead of telling this story like there’s something wrong with you, you gave yourself the space to grieve. Grieve with that little person who lost their friend. Grieve as that young adult who had some terrible experiences and didn’t have a support system. Grieve the connection with Sophie that seems unsure now. Do this in a clean way. You’re not a victim, and you’re not a problem. You’re a human who has had experiences that have shaped you.

This is a powerful step, to love yourself and to allow your story.  You can even own your story without making it mean anything about your ability to connect with others. What do you think? Bring back any questions or models for more coaching.