Time Of Transition Pt. 6 & fear of going bankrupted & fear of breaking up with my boyfriend

Hi dear coach,
I’m back with further coaching in this manner.

I got coached by Maisie on the 9th December call and it brought further manners to the surface. I would love some coaching on those 🙂

But first to complete your answer from the last coaching,
When I think of “In the end everything worked out and will work out.”, I feel calmer, but my brain comes up with the thought “but usually creating stress for yourself and doing things kinda last minute. I coached my self on this and would like to work with the belief that “I’m learning to better manage my time, resource and energy”.

C: me traveling between Barcelona and Montpellier in a time I need to focus and write my thesis
T: I can have best of both worlds and this way, I’m learning how to juggle multiple responsibilities.
F: calm, peaceful, connected to myself and to my boyfriend
A: I communicate that I need a better work arrangement in the Barcelona flat. I spend 2 weeks a month in France so that I have my alone time to work, go to physiotherapy and do whatever fuck I want to do. I talk to the girl who wanted to rent my room until March. If that does not work, I still Airbnb my living room when I’m in Montpellier.
R: I focus on what I have now enjoy our precious time together.

Now about my fear of going bankrupted 🙂
To add layers to this,
I was living in a flatshare where I felt like I would stagnate if I spent 5 minutes with my roommates, even just breathing the air felt like I was losing a part of myself. Now I am aware that what I made it mean to live there made the whole experience 1000 times worse that it was. Also, my boyfriend mentioned he would be in Barcelona and could get a place for both of us. What we did previulsly when he rented a place fo rus was charging me a small amount (usualy what my rent is at the flatshare). But we never explicitly talked about it, and i didnt think it through how much he would charge me. I also wanted to put my new “will be” rented place on airbnb to make some money and thought it would easily cover the rent. What I have not realised is that is that winter is the slowest season and there is a high chance I might not make the money to cover my new rent.
What I also did is I told my roommates that I’m never coming back because our dynamics were not going any better and then started staying a friend. And they found another roommate who moved in November while I was basically homeless which created serioussss tension with me and my boyfriend (we came very close to breaking up).
My mom has helped me with buying furniture etc. and kindly will back me up until I finish my PhD. I am finishing my Phd in June so this is only temporary, but I feel not great because how big the help is because of the currency difference, and also I know how frugal she lives. Guilt appeared for using mom’s “just in case” money, and because I didn’t well calculate how much money I will need for the furniture etc. and also didn’t think properly before jumping on to my bf’s invitation to Barcelona.

Now I realize that the reason I acted the way I did is because I have been feeling so damn lonely. I have some good acquaintances and kinda friends but have no one that I feel super aligned and would like to hang out a lot where I live so spending time alone (even worse in my old flatshare) while writing my dissertation and moving forward with the next step in my career felt like I was all alone in the savana. I realize now that my nervous system was on stress response and that’s why I acted the way I did.

I checked my bank account and I have 3400 euros in total and will get some further payments coming in 2 months. I will have a salary in June too. If everything goes terribly (the airbnb does not have guests, my mom cannot support me any longer for some reason. ), I can survive till October 2023. I am confident that I will lend ot my next job until then, so for now I will focus on enjoying last months of PhD, living in 2 amazing cities, running a coaching and Airbnb bizz and hopefully making some connections along the way. What this whole adventure really showed me is that I need to create a tribe 🙂

I kinda figured it out while writing to you but I would loveee some perspective and coaching on this 🙂

 

Answer:

I love the idea of creating community – it’s nourishing and comforting to have a tribe. I also wonder if this is a good time and opportunity to start getting familiar with how you feel lonely – how you experience the emotion and what it means for you. Since you’ve just had the realization about how you’ve shown up in your life when you felt lonely, it would be a wonderful time for reflection as well. What did you do well when you felt lonely? What didn’t you do well? What do you want to do differently the next time you realize that you feel lonely and why?
What this will afford you is an opportunity to create a different understanding of what being lonely can mean and look like for you. Because it’s an emotion and not an actual threat of being alone in the savanna, you can learn how to feel it without going into an activated fight/flight/freeze mode in the future. Come back for more coaching when you’re ready.