To identify what I really want

I’m new to this but I am certainly not new to what I’m writing to you about. 5 years ago I became a mother, and my entry to motherhood was brutal. I had a traumatic labor, immediate and severe postpartum depression, major physical pain postpartum that took 8 weeks to heal, and my partner was “it” for the first long while.
I/we clawed and fought our way to our beautiful, happy and well-functioning family that I have today, and I am damn proud.

It also took me and my partner all this time to even consider trying for another child – I’ve been actively considering it for 1.5 years. But the past haunts us still – the fear of not being able to manage (second bout of PPD, ill child etc.), but also fear of messing up a very happy dynamic as is today. There is definitely an element of “rush” – my son is 5 and the ship has sailed on him having a sibling close in age. So my worry is also that the longer we wait the greater the risk we face. Ultimately, my biggest problem is I cannot hear what I want. I am assaulted by so many what-ifs that my brain barely lets me get in 10% of “what if it went great?”. And I know this is due to the very hard start we had as parents. So I need to help myself sort out how MUCH do I want to add this new element feeling absolute dread that I will be disturbing something good? And this process may very well end up in deciding we’re enough as a family of three. But I need to give this process a decent try.

 

 

Answer:

Welcome! You can tell the story of your family any way that you want to. The first step in changing the story is to look at what you’ve written here and separate out story vs facts. Facts: baby born 5 years ago, physical symptoms, diagnosis of PPD, child is now 5 years old, still together with partner.  The rest is your story. The way you tell it has you damn proud of some parts and terrified of others. Take a step back and pretend your a scientist who has observed you for the last 5 years. What would they say? What are other ways you could look at what has occured?

I see a family that has just as good a chance as anyone, if not more, to succeed at anything they want to go for. You have built the exact skills you need to handle whatever comes next. If that’s another baby, great. If not, that’s ok too.  you said “Ultimately, my biggest problem is I cannot hear what I want.”  Question that thought. You know what you want. What if you weren’t afraid and just said it?