To Identify What I Really Want – Pt 3

I’ve needed time to reflect on your brilliant coaching. And when talking to my partner, we decided that we would continue for the rest of the year actively ttc, and then if it doesn’t happen by January we’ll re-assess. This way I get out of the decision limbo rut and force myself to see what happens.

So…, making that decision, I find that my brain challenges me persistently, especially when it comes to two things:
1. My sleep, 2. My freedom. So whenever I’m low on sleep due to my son waking/being ill OR even on the weekends when my sweet partner lets me have a lie-in, this is the model that comes up:

Model A:
C: I wake up feeling well-rested
T: I won’t feel this way for years if we have another child
F: Anxiety
A: I stay in bed immobilized, berating myself for not enjoying my peace and quiet causing a panic
R: I question my decision to ttc

Model B:
C: I am alone in the house
T: This peace and quiet will disappear if we have another child
F: Anxiety
A: I sit down and try to think about the positives
R: I question my decision to ttc

Answer:

I think your R lines are actually a little different:
– Model A: I don’t allow myself to enjoy feeling well-rested right now AND I question my decision to ttc
– Model B: My inner peace and quiet disappears in this moment AND I question my decision to ttc

It’s like pouring salt in the wound – you aren’t enjoying your life now, and you’re doomsday prepping for if you do conceive and have a second child.
You don’t have to enjoy every part of parenthood. In fact, you’re even allowed to hate parts of it. The reality is, yes, the peace and quiet in your house will likely change and your sleep patterns may be disrupted. You don’t have to like those parts of parenting. You just have to decide if you’re okay with not liking them (acceptance of yourself), and what that means about having a second child. Does acceptance of yourself mean being content with not having a second child and loving your reasons? Or does it mean trying to conceive and loving and accepting yourself even if you know you’re not looking forward to those particular parts of parenting?
Sometimes our decisions are not pretty, packaged, one-and-done experiences. Sometimes, we have to make that decision repeatedly because we like our reasons and we believe in ourselves. It’s like going back to the store and choosing to buy the shampoo you’ve decided to use over and over again because even though other ones may be easier on your bank account or beautifully packaged, you just really believe in the one you’re using. What is easy for you to stand behind repeatedly whilst loving and accepting yourself?