Toxic friendship/toxic mind/boundaries with friend

I am a little stuck in a rut with what to do about a longterm friend as I feel our relationship is unhealthy for me, and has been for a while, but only recently did I realise that I could change this/I don’t have to be in it. I’m stuck because I love this friend and a huge part of me wants to make it work, but another part strongly feels that I need to let her go. She has no idea of how I’m feeling as we now live far away and so rarely see each other, and I haven’t told her/mentioned anything over the phone or messages – partly because I’m afraid of her response (will she say something mean that I think can’t deal with? or, will she hate me, which I also hate the idea of.) There’s a lot of fear and indecision. So, i’m in a limbo because she has no idea of how I’m feeling and I can feeling guilty and shameful for having these feelings and not taking action/or telling her. I also feel a lot of anxiety when I do receive a message from her and it’s been really intense the last few months and can entirely affect my mood. She tends to decide she wants to see me out of the blue, and so she has asked to come see me, which is causing lots of anxiety because I don’t feel ready to/part of me wants to see her for the fun we have had, but I also don’t like who I am with her and I’m worried I will just keep reverting back to this person that just isn’t me. I’m stuck between worrying about what she wants and what I want. I feel guilty and bad for these feelings, but I’ve also let her cross too many boundaries over the years and she’s done things that are just not good friending.
(I’m aware I need to sort this out because it’s taking up so much brain space and causing so much anxiety.) It just feels really big in my head. There are things that she does/has done that i’m not okay with but I had no boundaries at the time. And there also things that I just have a problem with, and have nothing to do with her, but me.)
At times, i’m decided that I cannot be friends with her. And then others, I wonder if there is another way, but then anxiety kicks in at the thought that I will continue this way with her forever. It all feels very big and heavy, and impossible. I’m aware that there’s some honesty with myself that needs to be addressed and also accepting that I need to address this which is uncomfortable and will be painful (even though, it already is incredibly painful and uncomfortable ha! So I just want to be moving forward with it, and not stuck in this in-between state.)
Can you give me some advice on how best to solve this scenario?
Coaching and self coaching tips are greatly appreciated 🙂 (This is my first time asking a coach so thanks for being patient with my ramblings.)

 

Answer:

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We are glad you came here for support. First of all, it is okay to have conflicting thoughts, and seemingly conflicting feelings about a person. You’re allowed to love them and think that you need to let them go. I am curious about a couple of things…

First, what result do you think you will create for yourself by discontinuing your friendship with this person? Why is that important to you? When you answer these questions, what thoughts and feelings come up?

Second, it is often the case that it is difficult to say goodbye to someone we love, whether we are making the choice to do it or it is made for us. What does soften the edges is compassion – compassion for you where you are, for the former you whose past decisions have brought you to this place, and for the you in the future that may be grieving the loss of something familiar. How can you give yourself love right now, even when you feel shame, fear, anxiety and indecision? When you respond, please title your response, “Toxic friendship part 2” so we know what you’re following up on.