In the past I have had an experience of childhood sexual abuse involving a male member of staff at the nursery I attended. I have had some counselling around this and mostly don’t think about it much.
However recently the nursery my daughter goes to hired a male member of staff for the room she is in.
My initial thought was that I wanted to take her out of the nursery and move her to a different place because the thought in my head (which I want to state clearly I know is prejudiced and untrue but feels very real to me) is that male nursery workers are paedophiles and that I need to keep her safe.
Because I know in my mind but not in my body that that thought is untrue there is a part of me that thinks this is a good opportunity to work on that stuff. That this thought is likely to come up in other ways in her life and I can’t always keep her safe no matter how much I would like to.
I dont know whether to challenge ms to at least meet him and see what my impression is. Im not always solid on making decisions and this feels tricky to me and maybe its alot to expect of ms. How do you know if a challenge is too big and you should just take the easy option. Life already feels pretty high on challenging rn. Additionally the funding for our nurserys needs filled out now so it feels like the time to change if I wanted to.
I think I need some ways to take care of ms and her through this (therapist/ aac / understanding what he would be involved with/ teaching her about private parts and consent (shes 3 so im not sure how this would go yet).
Benefits of staying:
-She stays in a nursery she likes with her friends
-We don’t have to go through process of finding a new place for her elsewhere
– I challenge ms to work through the thought errors
Benefits of changing:
– I feel more comfortable with where she is both from male worker at nursery perspective but also because I have heard the other nursery is more nurturing plus better lunches.
-She has friends at this nursery too.
– I can work on thought error from a ‘safer distance’.
I think I will find out if the other nursery has space- that option feels free- er and more open to me. If it does not have space then there are things I can do to feel more comfortable in current nursery.
And then as soon as I write that the doubt comes flooding in and I worry about her changing nurseries!
Answer:
The only way to know when it’s the right thing to take the “easier path” is when you decide it’s the right thing. We certainly don’t know, but in the words of Mars Lord, no matter what you decide, you will either win or you will learn – most likely both.
It sounds like your nervous system is perceiving a threat because of a past trauma, and that makes so much sense. When our nervous systems are firing, the first thing to do is to bring awareness to where we are and why – you have a clear understanding of that here – and to get curious about how to create a sense of safety in your own body and brain. Use the tools and the resources that are accessible to you – particularly therapy when it comes to trauma – to help you establish safety within yourself.
Secondly, the best way to get behind your decision – whatever way it goes – is to know and LIKE your reasons. What kind of emotional place do you want to make this decision from? What thought about this circumstance will help you get there? If you aren’t sure, you can’t go wrong with love. What would love do?
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