Trusting my partner to walk the dog

I’d like coaching on how to handle letting go of issues when there is a third involved – in this case, the dog. I think I identified two things here.

Some days I look after the dog, and some days my partner does, even if we are both around. It happens that he postpones or forgets to take care of the dog, and I end up either reminding him or doing it myself. The first „issue” concerns my thoughts beforehand, and the second how to handle the situation. Let’s start with the second:

When he’s not taking care of the dog and then leaves for work it has repercussions on my life – I’m still left with a dog that needs to go potty. I don’t necessarily want to take this mental load off of my partner, but I don’t want to have to pick up the (hopefully metaphorical) pieces afterwards.

Do I remind him so I don’t have to do it? Do I do it for him and accept that I took responsibility?

Context: BF might or might not do thing we agreed he would
Thought: „I should remind him before”
Feeling: Frustration
Action: I remind him. He does thing.
Result: I feel frustrated that he didn’t simply remember it on his own.

C: BF might or might not do thing we agreed he would
T: I trust that he will do it.
F: Anticipation
A: I don’t do anything, but then neither does he.
R: I end up doing it and feel disappointed.

Can you help me with this?

Now the second issue: I would like to change my mindset up to the point where I might need to remind him. I would like to stop fretting all day whether he is or not going to do said things. Some days I don’t mind reminding him or even doing it myself from time to time, and I can take responsibility for my choices when I do decide to act, but I’d prefer not having my mind constantly going in circles all afternoon about „will I have to do it myself?”. Is it a trust issue? Should I just ask him if he wants me to remind him? I’d prefer to be able to trust him.

 

Answer:

You asked the question: Do I do it for him and accept that I took responsibility?  The truth is, if you take the dog out to potty, or you remind your partner to do it, you are doing it for you.

You want the dog taken out. You don’t want accidents in the house. You care about when it’s done and if it’s done. What do you get to feel when you know the dog is taken care of? That’s what you are really looking for.

The part where you want to trust him to do it….why? He’s shown that he doesn’t want to as much as you do. Accepting this seems like it will feel terrible but it’s actually the resistance of reality that is painful and is bringing resentment into your relationship.

I would offer that to get out of the spin cycle you are in currently, ask yourself: How could this be easy and fun? Your brain wants it to be dramatic but really it’s two adults and one dog who needs to go out a few times a day. Let your brain be creative and see what you can come up with. I think it’s always a great idea just to ask the humans we care about what their opinions are and be open to whatever follows.