Uncertainty whether relationship needs to change or mindset

I have been in the flow collective since the summer and this is my first time using ask a coach and I did consider asking this in the community but it doesn’t feel properly formulated.

I feel like I should be grateful for my relationship with husband. We have been together over 20 years and have two kids. He is kind and thoughtful and works hard. He appreciates my spontaneity and need for fun but I have been feeling worn down by the expectation that I will be responsible for organising all of the joy and the fun in our lives. He struggles to name and access his emotions and he has looked into this but generally just accepts this is how he is. I am more connection and emotion focussed and he is more external world and task focussed. I often feel lonely in the relationship and blocked sexually towards him as I feel like my need for connection isn’t being met.

He is quite careful with money, which has been great financially but even though he doesn’t control the finances I have felt restricted in what we spend and frivolous if we don’t do everything on a tight budget. We used to fill in a spreadsheet to account for everything we spent which helped us pay off debts but made life less enjoyable. We have explored this together and the spreadsheet has gone, I have gone back to full time at work and he is trying to be more at ease with spending available money for fun.

I feel like I am the person who is trying to find ways for us to connect but I can not decide if I am trying too hard to make this relationship work – as I feel lonely and disconnected from him a lot of the time. Or whether it is my mindset and perspective that needs to change and the reality of being on my own or in a different relationship would bring the same issues.

 

Answer:

Thank you for your question. We hope now that you’ve asked the first one you use AAC as much as you want! It’s powerful to write these thoughts down the way you have here. Celebrate yourself for that. Once you can see what is happening you are better able to decide what you truly want.

Notice how you said you “should” feel grateful for your husband. Any time we notice a thought with a should it’s a place that we can explore more. Why should you feel grateful? Is grateful actually what you want to feel in your relationship or is it something else?

Absolutely your mindset affects how you feel.  Your thoughts about this person are your relationship. We think it’s what they do that creates how we feel, but it’s what we’re thinking. This is the best news because that means you can improve your relationship just by looking at yourself. Once you have more clarity around this, you’ll be better equipped to decide what you want to do moving forward.  For now, I would offer that you do a thought download and just write everything you want to feel in your relationship. Anywhere you’re not feeling that, ask yourself why. When your brain wants to answer something about him, turn it around and only answer about yourself. See what comes up and bring it back for more coaching.