Uncomfortable conversations with a friend

Hi,
I recently had a message exchange with a POC friend who was upset that I hadn’t checked in with them sooner about the far right protests happening in the UK right now. They’ve been feeling unsafe and anxious, completely understandably.
For context I have been on holiday for 3 weeks with family, in what was a pretty intense trip – and I chose to take some time out of consuming news and being on social media etc while away. This felt important to me, as I’d been close to burnout with work before this. The protests started during the last week of the trip, and to be very honest I was living under a rock!
Since getting back last weekend, I’ve been processing various stressful family conversations and bombshells, and needed some intensive alone time to recover; as well as going back to work after such a big break. I’ve wondered if the anti-malarials I’ve beent taking for the trip have also been impacting my mood and I’ve felt so flat and kind of depressed. I have an eye movement desensitisation therapy session booked in next week to deal with some things that have been coming up for me recently.
As a result, although I was obviously aware of everything that’s been happening in the news since getting back, I have been in my own world and definitely self-absorbed in that. I recognise that it is a sign of (white) privilege that I was able to do this.
When they messaged to say they were struggling with things this weekend, I replied and offered a call to discuss etc. But they were upset that I hadn’t instigated reaching out sooner. I apologised and explained that I’d been in a bit of a weird place recently and in my own bubble with family and work stress. But I think they took this as me giving an excuse etc and send a reply that this wasn’t good enough etc, which felt quite attacking.
This isn’t the first time where I feel like I’ve let them down without meaning to, and it brings up so many feelings of shame and guilt, which I then feel guilty for feeling because it’s not about me, and is taking up space.
At the same time, I know I’ve been struggling with my mental health in the last few weeks and doing the best I can to get through each day, even if I could be doing better.
I would like to take the positives from this exchange, in taking it on board more for future and growing from it to become more proactive in my allyship.
But I also feel some frustration as sometimes I feel like I am expected to always get things right with this friend, and there isn’t room for making mistakes, or being human and struggling with your own things, too. They have a history of ‘cutting out’ friends (their words), and at times I haven’t felt safe with them in that sense, and been anxious about things, despite knowing them for a decade.
Do you have any tips on navigating this situation? I’d like to be supportive of them, use it as useful information to learn and do better in future, while also not overly-apologising and minimising my own experiences.
Many thanks

 

 

Answer:

 

This is clearly something that is important to you, and we’re so glad you came to AAC with it to investigate and get coaching.

What this brings to mind is responsibility, over responsibility, and potentially under responsibility. It might be worth while to get curious about the following:
What is your responsibility as a friend generally? What is your responsibility to this friend right now? What is your responsibility to yourself right now? Where are you being over responsible? Is there any place where you’re being under responsible for yourself or as a friend? Don’t make any of this a problem. You are just doing some research.

Let’s say you can create the result you dream of, what would you do to make that happen? Write what would go in your A line of this model:

C: Friend, riots in UK
T:
F:
S:
A: What would you do here to create the R line below? What wouldn’t you do?
R: I’d like to be supportive of them, use it as useful information to learn and do better in future, while also not overly-apologising and minimising my own experiences.

Bring back to us whatever you discover about your responsibilities to yourself and your friend, and whether you can apply those in this intentional model above with any and all questions. This is a delightful time to learn and let discomfort be a teacher.