Uncomfortable conversations with a friend – part 2

Thank you for your coaching on this! Super helpful. What came up for me was that yes I absolutely want to take their feedback on board for future and grow in that way, but that I’m not being responsible for myself if I don’t communicate a little more openly with my friend about how their message made me feel.
I had taken the approach of basically replying and saying I understood, and they’re right etc. And they seemed happy with that, because they’d got things off their chest. But it left me feeling an unspoken resentment at them invalidating the place I’m in. This has happened before, and the result is that i feel disconnected from them.

What I’d love to say, is something this, instead of brushing it under the carpet – as I know this will happen again at some point:
Glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better! And hope that’s continued this week. Thanks again for raising this, it’s helpful to know & I’ll definitely keep it in mind for future & try to do better! Something I did want to say though was that I felt like my mental health / context was a little invalidated by your response – and don’t get me wrong, I completely understand what you meant & know that I’m coming at all of this with a lot of privilege. But I did feel like it had some relevance here. And I would appreciate some space for that nuance when we have conversations like this moving forwards, because I’m sure there will be more times where I don’t get it right / or where I’m in a nervous system shut down response and retreating, like I’ve been recently, so may not be able to show up to the standard that I’d want to usually, as much as I’d like to. I’m not sure if you’ll agree with that, but I wanted to be honest as otherwise it results in me feeling disconnected from you – which I don’t want, because your friendship is important to me!

The idea of sending it though feels horrifying. There is a part of me that just wants to brush it away and move on, because it’s easier. And I’m scared of having more of a conversation like this. I don’t know if I can cope, especially as I feel overwhelmed with so many other things right now. But perhaps having these honest conversations is part of the responsibility that comes with having friendships!

I think a part of me is scared that they will ‘cancel’ our friendship. But that’s an awful position to be operating from with a friend. And as this isn’t the first time we have had a conversation like this, I think we do need to be able to move forward with it in a way which works for both of us.

Any additional coaching on this much appreciated.
Many thanks

 

 

Answer:

 

The good news is that you don’t have to take action today. Or tomorrow. Or ever if you don’t want to. When we have hard conversations, it’s important to know why we’re doing it. Is it to communicate something? Is it to build connection? To set a boundary? If it has to do with getting someone to understand you and feel/act differently, that is a red flag to wait and reassess why having the conversation or saying the hard thing is what you want to do.

So check in with yourself. Why do you want to open the door to having this conversation? What result do you most want to create?