Understanding and Managing Anger and dog/child care – Part 3

Hi Coach

Thank you for your response. I held so much shame and fear on the topic and having reached out that I only just came back to read your response.

As several months have passed, I have some big news to share with you. I will cover that first…

In Part 1, I shared some solution ideas. Here they are listed, and i’ve put my updates next to each:

“I want to understand the WHY to my anger and behaviour” – i’m no further on understanding this
“I want to encourage my curiosity for the behaviour of the dog and putting less meaning/ heaviness to it” – i’ve made MILES of progress on this, i operate from curiosity, empathy and collaboration a LOT more, and it makes it harder for the anger to rise up.
“I want to keep working on noticing it in or after the moments, and breathing into it to centre myself “I have noticed the anger rising / exploding in the moment more than not (WOOO!) and i routinely use breaths to bring myself back down, and then in that state i have reassessed the situation logically, but also from the curiosity/empathy perspective – WOOOO!!! In severe cases of anger where i couldnt calm down i was able to just decide ‘this doesn’t matter’ and i WALKED AWAY woooohoouuuu!!!!).
“I want to keep it an open topic and not shut down in shame / fear about it” this is going great. i’ve done this via flow collective AAC, and with a a close friend in detail, and quite surface-level with several other people and in dog training courses, it is helping me to shake off the shame
“I want to build my confidence in animal care and child care” oh yeah, tick tick TICK! i’m miles ahead here already. and the main thing is accepting that I DON’T KNOW and I’M STILL LEARNING

And there is one new thing i want to add to the above, that I’ve learned and absorbed:
Changing my perspective of dog care from me vs the dog, or as dog dominance, to: me and the dog having a relationship. This changes things because the purpose is developing and nurturing a relationship for which you have to understand the dog.
From this change of perspective, comes the idea of collaboration and consent. E.g. changing the idea of ‘giving commands’ to more of an asking, or giving a cue for the dog to chose to respond to or not. (but just to be clear, it is a process and there are elements of choice architecture so that the dog isn’t fully freewilled in situations, for example, that I would need to decide the action for safety).

So as you can see, I am in quite a different stage than when I last spoke with you! And all GREAT THINGS!

As for answering your points, here we go:

In your UM, i would change the R line from ‘i am being insolent’ to something harder like ‘i am using physical aggression/violence” because insolence was too soft a description in my eyes. The UM works regardless, and was very good to see it clearly and simply this way, thanks

“identifying what Ts would lead you to feel curious or patient.” – i can go straight from experience on this one, from the last few months. For patience, this is an example Thought: The dog isn’t responding as usual to this command. It’s okay, this can happen and there are many possible reasons for that. Let’s try again, or try calming first. For Curiosity, this is an example Thought: The dog isn’t responding as usual to this command, let’s assess what has happened or what might be happening for her to lead to this.

“What do you need to understand about your UM to be able to make a transition to your IM?” – I really like how you mirrored the ‘the dog is being insolant’ thought into ‘i am being insolant’ result. Point being: LOOK AT THIS, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!? like a do as i say but not as i do. And then when you escalate the result from ‘insolance’ to ‘aggression’ or ‘violence’, then it become totally clear that this is unnacceptable and really counterproductive to the original circumstance of giving a command.

“I wonder how the steps you outlined above can help you make this transition.” – I think i’m very much already in my IM now, and it is my go-to UM already (mostly)

Current models about dealing with dog care not going to plan (previously seen as ‘insolence’)

C: I tell the dog to sit. Dog doesn’t sit.
T: The dog isn’t responding as usual to this cue. It’s OK. But I wonder why, and if I should continue trying.
F: neutrality, curiosity, patience, collaboration, problem solving, empathy, kindness
S: solid feeling?
A: I assess what could be going on for the dog (distracted, overexcited, didn’t hear me, confused, in shock from something else, not interested right now). I assess what I should do next as a result, but i don’t force it many times if the dog continues to not respond, i simply don’t ‘reward’ it and i leave calmly.
R: The dog sits, or doesn’t sit, and it doesn’t matter.

Where to from here? Well.. all this is great progress but it is still a work in progress. So if you see anything from here you’d like to continue or think we should focus on next, i’m all on board!

Thanks Coach!

 

 

Answer:

Love it, seeing this as a process and an opportunity to learn is so good. For you and the dog.  Great insights and progress. Thank you for taking the time to process that shame and still come back when you are ready. Such a good example of self care.

Your model looks great, though it could be separated out into multiple models. Try to keep one thought (one sentence) and one feeling in each model and make sure the result is only about you. If you have a question in your thought line, answer it.

What do you think would be most helpful to focus on?

A thought that keeps coming to my mind that may be helpful in this process is T:dogs are incapable of insolence.

A dog is not a human. How could projecting your interpretation (story) of their behaviour be making this process harder? What if it’s truly simple?