Unhelpful behaviours + Grief

Hi TFC coaches,

I am currently in the throes of losing my Mum to terminal cancer. She and I are very close, and I have been her primary carer since my Dad passed away 6 years ago. I used to be someone who drank a little too much and was addicted to cigarettes, and I have worked hard over the last 4 years at not needing those things in my life (I still drink very occasionally and that is ok) and got to a place I was very proud of in terms of not needing these things to help me stay regulated and calm.

Recently however, since my Mum only has a few months to live, smoking a few cigarettes has crept back in. I can generally stop at 3, I can also stop for days on end and not need one. I actually don’t even think I like them, it is just an old pattern to have a beer and a fag to relax!

I feel such shame the next day, and no matter how many models I run, I can’t reframe how shit I feel about myself (perfectionism) when I reach for these things after so long.

How can I look at this a different way?

Sorry if this is not the best framed question, it is my first time asking for coaching! 🙂

Thank you so much, have a beautiful day.

 

Answer:

What a beautiful question to ask. We’re so sorry about your mum. What do you want? It’s important to define the result you’re looking for so you have a direction. Right now the reality is you are smoking a certain number of cigarettes/week. This is not a problem until you have thoughts about it.  Looking at what you’ve shared you could set a goal to stop shaming yourself about the smoking. Which is totally possible to do. You could set a goal to smoke less as well, whatever you want that to look like. That is totally possible.

Whatever you decide, be compassionate with yourself but don’t let your brain lie to you. You have the thought: smoking a few cigarettes has crept back in.  They don’t creep. You have to go get them. You have to take one. You have to light it. You have to inhale. These are all choices you are making. Your unconscious brain knows exactly what to do but you still have choices. There is no shame necessary.

Try some of these thoughts and see what comes up:

I notice I’m smoking x cigarettes and it’s ok.

I’m doing my best and sometimes that looks like smoking when I don’t really even want to.

I notice I’m thinking that I need beer and a fag to relax and it’s ok. I get to choose what I do with that desire.

I’m coping with my grief in ways I don’t particularly like and it’s ok.