Unintentional/Intentional Model on Parenting Boundaries – Part 2

Following the reflective submission I already shared with you, I wanted to offer some additional context and insight into what’s been unfolding for me since. As I’ve continued working through this, I’ve begun to see more clearly what’s really going on underneath my reactions—particularly around the recent news of my cousin’s upcoming wedding.

At first, I sent you a structured thought download, and later the first model—about the specific incident that caused a rupture for me and raised red flags around boundaries. Now I’m including a second set of models (unintentional and intentional) around the impact of her wedding news. But before that, I want to share a few realizations that emerged through this process.

Looking back, I can see that I’m not fully grounded in my decision—or in my feeling—that I want to take away her partner’s access to my son. Because of that insecurity, I’ve been stacking up other justifications: his possible monetary motives, the influence of his family, how controlling or persuasive he seems, the way he inserted himself (and continues to) into her father’s funeral and legacy. While some of these concerns may hold truth, I now see they’re not the core reason I feel the way I do. I’ve been using them to reinforce a boundary that already feels valid—but hard to own on its own.

The truth is: what happened during that visit with my cousin and her partner alone was enough. That incident showed me something I needed to see.

What I’ve realized is that I am protecting something sacred—the relational field between me and my son. The intimacy. The trust. I am the gatekeeper of that space. And I’m feeling the threat of someone entering it without my consent or trust.

To name it more clearly:

He is taking something that is not his to take—my son’s heart.

That, to me, constitutes a sacred violation—not because of the role he plays in my cousin’s life, but because of where he has positioned himself in mine: without invitation, without a real friendship, and without the intimacy of trust between him and me that would be needed for this kind of closeness with my child.

And yes—I am also aware that I once did invite him into this space, by naming him godfather. But what I consented to then is not what’s unfolding now. I made that decision under different assumptions, imagining he would support my cousin in fulfilling her godmother role. I didn’t foresee this reversal, where she now seems to support him in taking center stage. That shift—subtle and perhaps unintended—has left me feeling disoriented, even guilty, as if I opened a door and now can’t close it. But the truth is: I never consented to this kind of closeness. And that boundary still belongs to me.

Unintentional Model – Wedding Announcement (Godparent Conflict)

C:
I receive a voice message from my cousin telling me they’re getting married and have set a date.

T:
Her decision to marry him makes it harder for me to revoke his role as godfather and cut off access to my son.

F:
Trapped. Conflicted. Anxious.

A:
• Ruminate on how this complicates my boundary.
• Delay replying.
• Avoid congratulating her.
• Think in black-and-white terms: if I support her, I must accept him.
• Worry about judgment if I act on my truth.
• Fantasize about revoking godfather status but feel paralyzed by social/emotional consequences.
• Do nothing—for now.

R:
I block myself from acting on my truth. I feel like I’ve lost agency in a situation that’s actually mine to decide.

⸻

Intentional Model – Wedding Announcement

C:
Same as above.

T:
Her decision to marry him does not impact my right or ability to protect myself and my son.

F:
Grounded. Clear. Self-trusting.

A:
• Congratulate her via direct message.
• Keep communication between us—do not engage with him.
• Choose whether or not to attend the wedding based on my values and boundaries.
• Maintain my plan to limit or end his access to my son.
• Act from love, not guilt or fear.
• Separate their relationship from my parenting authority.
• Remember: I get to protect what matters to me.

R:
I honor my values and protect my son without abandoning myself. I stay rooted in discernment, not reactivity.

This situation is very challenging for me — I’m sure you can tell. Any advice, feedback, support is welcome. Thank you.

Answer:

-I never consented to this kind of closeness. And that boundary still belongs to me.

-The truth is: what happened during that visit with my cousin and her partner alone was enough. That incident showed me something I needed to see.

-Her decision to marry him does not impact my right or ability to protect myself and my son.

-I get to protect what matters to me

These are powerful statements. Sit with them.

You get to decide what your next steps are, one minute at a time. Be gentle as you notice your brain running ahead, thinking about how your life and your relationship with your cousin and her partner is going to be. It’s thinking about all the potential struggles there will be.

If you want to protect your energy in this moment, bring it back to now. Breathe. Here, you are safe. Here, your child is safe. Trust yourself to know what to do next.