Unintentional & Intentional Model on Parenting Boundaries – Part 3

Following the previous submissions, I wanted to add a third model that surfaced in the reflection process. This one captures not just a single incident, but the ongoing emotional discomfort and internal tension I feel around the growing bond between my son and his godfather—my cousin’s partner.

What I see now is that this discomfort is not just about the man himself, or what happened on a particular day—it’s about my role as a mother, and the emotional territory I feel responsible for protecting. This model helped me name the anxiety, guilt, and powerlessness that’s been simmering under the surface, and how I’ve been looking outward (through justification or building a “case”) instead of inward, toward my own agency.

I’m also including an intentional model that I think reflects where I want to be: grounded in the truth that my son’s desire for connection is valid—and so is my authority to decide who enters his world in this way. That’s the shift I’m working toward.

Unintentional Model
C:
My son is forming a close emotional bond with his godfather (my cousin’s partner).

T:
He is taking something that is not his to take—my son’s heart.

F:
Anxious. Protective. Powerless.

S:
Tightness in chest, shallow breath, heavy pressure.

A:
• Mentally build a case against him.
• Look for signs of manipulation or inappropriate closeness.
• Ruminate on whether I’m overreacting.
• Compare him to male figures I would trust (e.g., my father, future partner).
• Feel guilt for not having a trusted father figure present in my son’s life.
• Emotionally isolate in my parenting.
• Withhold boundaries or make them reactively.

R:
I feel unsafe and unsupported as a single mother.
I carry guilt, mistrust, and reinforce the belief that without a male protector, my child and I are vulnerable to being targeted.
I doubt my ability to protect my son and take empowered action. I stay in fear and defensiveness instead of trust.

⸻

Intentional Model
C:
My son is forming a close emotional bond with his godfather (my cousin’s partner).

T:
My son’s desire for connection is valid, and I get to choose who I trust to be part of that.

F:
Secure. Empowered. Grounded in my role as a mother.

S:
Lightness in chest, steady breath, warmth and calm in body.

A:
• Validate my own boundaries without needing external confirmation.
• Stay out of rumination or justification.
• Accept my feelings without guilt or second-guessing.
• Take clear, aligned action: define boundaries and communicate them when needed.
• Create emotional space for future trust: I will choose the right person to share that space when the time comes.
• Release guilt around not offering my son a father right now.

R:
I feel strong and capable in my role as a single mother.
I trust myself to protect what’s sacred.
I hold faith that this space will one day be shared with someone I choose—and trust.

Answer:

You’ve got some really great insights here. Keep gently exploring as much as you want to. You’ve already noticed that you may have a pattern of wanting to deeply research and explain why you do what you do. We would offer that it’s ok to just look at the reality in front of you simply.  You noticed some thing was off. You’re doing something about it. You will continue to protect your child no matter what. What else do you know NOW.

Something I might add that you could look at is allowing some grief here. The version of you who chose your son’s godparents and had a vision of what that would look like is now facing a different reality. This is a loss for your family. It doesn’t have to be a death to allow yourself to grieve. How could you give yourself the space to do this?