Unlearning your standards

How can I unlearn and update my standards so that I can be less judgy towards myself and others, especially at work?

I’ve always taken pride in myself for being logical, objective, and in control of my emotions. On the other hand, that meant when people were acting differently, I judged them for being weak, and if at work, unprofessional. Since joining the Flow Collective, I’ve become more aware of this tendency. I feel ashamed to admit this, but recently when I listened to someone getting coached, there was a voice in my head saying, “Didn’t she get coached before? And didn’t she cry a lot during that call too? Wow, she’s too much.” I immediately realized the problem was not her, it was me. So I tried out the thought model below.

Unintentional:
C: Someone cried while getting coached on the Flow Collective call
T: She’s too much
F: Judgy
A: Imagined her as a difficult person; listened to what she was saying with contempt
R: The person becomes problematic (to me)

Intentional:
C: Someone cried while getting coached on the Flow Collective call
T: She is in pain
F: Empathy
A:Listen with kindness; try to imagine her pain
R: I support the person emotionally

Theoretically, I understand that practicing the thought model would help ease me out of my judgy standards. But I would really appreciate your advise for two reasons:

1. As I approach my mid-thirties, my aspiration in my future career is to become a fierce supporter of female and other minorities in the workforce. But I also realize a side of me who adheres to the patriarchal, machochistic demands of work culture (ex. work long hours, don’t complain, no crying at work etc). Unless I unlearn my judgy-ness, I’m afraid I will be harmful to people, contrary to my beliefs.

2. Recently, I’ve unpacked that my standards are strongly influenced by my late father. He was a hard worker and fiercely loving parent who I respected for his stoicism but also saw his lack of empathy hurting my mother when she needed emotional support. It’s been eye-opening to realize that I’ve inherited more of his values than I knew, and that perhaps what I’ve been proud of as my strengths may actually be challenges. Can the thought model really have the power to overcome something I’ve grown into for decades?

 

Answer:

Can the thought model really have the power to overcome something I’ve grown into for decades? What do you think? That’s what’s important. The power of coaching really is in how it is always about today, in the present moment, choosing what you want to believe.

Just as important is loving and accepting all the parts of you. You’ve recently discovered this judgy part and the first reaction of most people is to label it a problem to solve.

What if you could accept that you’re sometimes judgy and that you’ve borrowed beliefs from your family and your culture?  We all do that, it’s part of being a human.

If none of this was a problem, what would you get to feel? What would you be able to think about yourself?