Unsolicited parenting advice from family member

Hi coaches,

I have got a relationship coaching support request for you.

Context: A few days ago my 6 year accidentally hit his brother in the face with a small wooden toy when he was aiming to throw the toy to his bed. My mother witnessed this and felt he had done so purposefully. She told this story to my brother and he called me to give me unsolicited parenting advice saying the words: ‘you are in denial’.

UIM
C: My brother says words ‘you are in denial’ about my 6 year old behaviour
T: He gets to tell me who I am and how to live my life
F: Angry
A: Activated Nervous System, take pauses, get defensive, justify,
say words: I am confident, I don’t agree with what you are saying
effectively get into a discussion whilst my brain knows I really don’t want to
R: He gets to tell me who I am and how to live my life

IM
C: My brother says words ‘you are in denial’ about my 6 year old behaviour
T: Of course he is doing this, it is what he has always known
F: Compassionate
A: I communicate loving boundaries to him
I listen to his feelings about those boundaries
I maintain the boundaries
I say words like: I identify my own areas for growth,
‘I will come to you for advice when I am stuck and want your support’
R: I don’t wobble over perceived criticism by my brother

The IM is not quite there… help would be very gratefully received. thank you!

Answer:

Nice work on your models. Here are a few tweaks for your IM.

In your current IM, your R and your T are not well connected. As it stands, I’d say that the R you create by thinking “Of course…” is that you create a safe and understanding space for him to have his own thoughts and feelings.

You can also put “not to wobble over perceived criticism by my brother” in your A line, let’s have a second look at what Ts and Fs might create that and then return to your desired R line. How would you have to feel to take the actions you listed? What would you have to think to feel that way?

C: My brother says words ‘you are in denial’ about my 6 year old behaviour
T:

F:

A: I communicate loving boundaries to him
I listen to his feelings about those boundaries
I maintain the boundaries
I say words like: I identify my own areas for growth,
‘I will come to you for advice when I am stuck and want your support’
I don’t wobble over perceived criticism by my brother

R:

Come back with any insights you’ve gleaned!