Untangling Guilt from Boundaries

Hi Coaches,

I wanted to share something that came up for me after canceling on my mother a second time as a babysitter and choosing someone else instead. I’ve done this intentionally as part of a broader process of redefining what support means for me and my son—but the guilt that followed has been intense.

It’s like there’s this loud inner voice telling me:
“You’re being mean.”
“You’re rejecting her.”
“You’re punishing her.”
“She’s just a sad, lonely person—how could you do this?”

And I notice how quickly that voice pulls me into feeling responsible for her pain—even though I made this decision to support myself and my son, not to hurt her.

The deeper belief I think I’m coming up against is this:
“If I choose myself, I’m going against my mother.”
And that’s been a hard one to see, let alone dismantle.

Here’s the unintentional model I put together to reflect what’s happening internally:

⸻

C: I canceled on my mother a second time as a babysitter and chose someone else.
T: She will feel rejected.
F: Guilt
S: Heaviness in my chest, restlessness, weight in my shoulders and lower back
A:
– Feel stuck in the feeling of guilt and become irritable or unavailable when my son approaches
– Question whether I did the right thing
– Feel a need to undo or soften the boundary
– Feel sorry for her
– Feel like I am the problem
R: I lose connection with why I chose to cancel, disconnect from myself and my son

⸻

I would love your help in finding a thought for an intentional model that honors the result I actually want:
To choose what’s right for me and my child without guilt—without feeling like I owe her or that choosing myself is an act of harm.

If there’s a helpful way to build that model (or even just a strong T-line to start from), I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks for holding space for this one.

Answer:

Before an intentional model, let’s take another look at what you have here.  Your circumstance still has a lot of charged words in it.  What feeling comes up when you say ” I canceled on my mother?”  It may technically be a fact but I sense that this is not factual in your mind. Can you take some time and really get down to the specific facts of what happened?

Then your thought is great, but let’s explore. T: She will feel rejected. So, what? Why is that a problem FOR YOU? You’ve already got some of your answers in your action line and result.  Pull some of those thoughts up and give them each their own models. Then follow them through.

For example

C: I texted my mother the words “I don’t need you to babysit on x date anymore.”

T: I made the wrong choice

F: fear

S:

A: spiraling thoughts, second guess myself, worry about the consequences

R: I don’t trust myself

Notice how much energy it takes to do this as well. I was just guessing here, you feel free to make all your own models or change this example. At this point in your journey, you might still feel guilt. That’s ok. Maybe the goal isn’t to get rid of it. Start with allowing it. Bring the guilt along as you become the parent and grown child you want to be.  What do you think?