Untangling Guilt from Boundaries – Part 2

Hi Coaches,

Thanks for your reflections on my previous posts—especially the invitation to look closer at my models. I did exactly that and ended up breaking things down into three separate unintentional models. What stood out through this process is just how much energy it takes to hold boundaries in the face of guilt—and how easily that energy gets drained by my mother’s continued attempts to reach out.

Right now, I’m honestly feeling stuck.

There’s a newer layer I’m noticing too: I keep catching myself almost reflexively thinking of her as a support figure. Someone recently invited me to an event I’d love to attend, and my first thought was, “I have to ask my mother to babysit.” But I instantly felt this weight—this heavy resistance—and realized: asking her would make me feel like shit.

I’m also aware of how seductive her offers of help can be—especially in this season of single parenting, where I’m desperate for rest. But accepting her help now feels like self-betrayal. That resistance I feel with her isn’t there when I ask others. In fact, asking others has felt surprisingly good—clean, mutual, and safe. So I don’t want to keep using her as a last resort just because she’s available.

So now I’m wondering if it’s time to make two clear decisions:
1. For now, I won’t ask her to babysit—at all. If my son wants to see her, that’s his choice.
2. I won’t attend her birthday party.

And I’m sitting with the question:
What is this? Am I cutting ties? Is this resentment, anger, blame? Or am I just finally acting on the boundary I keep saying I want to hold?

You asked what my younger self might need around the birthday party. And honestly, she just needs someone to say:
You don’t have to go. You don’t owe her that.

Maybe the most loving thing I can say to my seven-year-old is:
Stop trying. She’s never going to love you the way you needed. That’s not your fault. And you don’t have to keep hoping or proving or earning. You can stop.

What I’m circling around here is this question:
Do I need to go right into the discomfort—to not attend her birthday—as a way of facing the guilt head-on?
Is that the thing that will finally loosen its grip?

Because the truth is, not going feels more honest than going. It feels like an act of self-trust—uncomfortable, yes, but also deeply aligned.

But then the fear creeps in. If I don’t go… what does that mean? Am I cutting ties entirely? Am I ready for that?
And yet I can also see that, at this point, she doesn’t have anything left to hold over me. She can’t threaten or manipulate me with anything I still want.

So I’m sitting here, wondering:
– Do I have to communicate all this?
– Or can I just make a quiet decision to stop engaging—for now?
– Can this be about what I choose not to do, rather than what I have to explain?

Would love to hear what you see in all this.

Answer:

I’d like to explore the answers to these questions:

If I don’t go…what does that mean?
Am I cutting ties entirely?

When you let your mind create answers to these questions, what does it come up with? Notice how you feel and why when you reveal these answers to yourself. If you are ready, you can try this with the three questions you end with. Bring it all back to us and we can keep uncovering and discovering with you.