Untangling Guilt from Boundaries – Part 3

Hi Coaches,

Thanks again for the prompts. I sat with the questions, and after a brief phone interaction with my mother this weekend—which stirred up a lot—I found it surprisingly easy to answer them. That conversation helped me see even more clearly how toxic this dynamic has become for me, and what I truly need: not to keep giving, not to keep performing, but to reclaim myself.

1. If I don’t go, what does it mean?
It means I’m listening to my gut and honoring what feels right to me, even if that’s something I’ve never done before with my mother.
Not going means I’m no longer giving my energy to people or situations that feel misaligned. It doesn’t mean I’m bad or mean or rebellious—it means I’m showing up for myself in a new way.
It’s boundary work. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s aligned.

2. Am I cutting ties entirely?
No. I’m taking space to reset how I show up in this relationship.
She’s dominated the tone and rules of this dynamic for nearly 40 years—and it hasn’t served me. Now I’m choosing to step back and decide what’s mine to carry.
It might look like cutting ties to her, but that’s not my responsibility.

3. Do I have to communicate all this?
No. I think she already feels the shift. Right now, actions feel more aligned than explanations.

4. Do I have to stop engaging completely?
Not necessarily. I’ll keep feeling into each moment. But one boundary is now clear: I won’t ask her for support anymore.

5. Can this be about what I don’t do, rather than what I explain?
Yes. Letting my actions speak—without performing, justifying, or overexplaining—feels more honest and self-honoring.

⸻

While I was reflecting on this, she texted to ask if I was coming to her birthday party and said she needed to know now.

I decided not to overthink it. I used the moment to take massive action and gave the answer I already knew I wanted to give. I replied that we wouldn’t be attending and wished her a good day.

She responded with intensity and pressure, but I chose not to reply. Instead, I grounded myself in what I know to be true.

⸻

Unintentional Model
C: My mother replies and says things like:
– “I was counting on you.”
– “At least come for the aperitif.”
– “Your cousins have been wanting to meet you.”
– “You already agreed to come.”
– “I can’t cancel everything now.”
– “This will be the last party I’ll ever host.”
T: She’s manipulating and pressuring me.
F: Pressured
S: Tightness in chest
A: Ruminate, brace for confrontation, mentally defend myself
R: I lose contact with myself and the clarity of my decision

Intentional Model
C: Same as above
T: I’m stay in my truth, even though
F: Protective
S: Grounded in my body
A: Breathe deeply, stay anchored, don’t respond, shift attention to something nourishing
R: I protect my energy and reinforce trust in myself

(I’m still trying on different thoughts here. “I’m choosing myself and that’s good” or “I stay in my truth, even if it makes her uncomfortable” both resonate. Or: “I stay in my truth, even if it makes me uncomfortable“)

⸻

How do I feel now, after sending the message?
Partly relieved and self-honoring. Partly afraid and worried.
I can feel my nervous system bracing, almost expecting punishment. My immune system is flaring up (two cold sores), and I can hear the old programming whisper: If you go against your mother, it will not be good.

But I’m gently rewiring that belief now. I’m telling myself:
There are no repercussions to this no. I’m safe now. She no longer holds that power.

What shocks me as I go deeper into this work is realizing how much control she’s had over me—not through presence, but through programming. Even with geographical distance, she’s lived in my nervous system.
And waking up to that reality has been disorienting and frustrating. I’m not yet feeling as happy and liberated as I hope I will in tge near future.

I’m still worried about how I will act when I see her. But I know I need not to defend or explain my descision. But how do I deal with her pushing for a reaction?

Thanks for holding space as I continue to peel this back.

Warmly,

Answer:

This is incredible. Look at how POWERFUL your answers are to your very own questions. How does it feel to read those back!?

It tracks that you feel worried about how you will act when you see her – what are you worried about when it comes to her pushing for a reaction? What else are you worried about when it comes to how you will act when you see her?