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Alright, this will be a messy post instead of me spending hours to structure and censure myself:
I am planning to spend Christmas Evening at my sisters, who lives to far away for me and my partner to travel back. I have not seen her, her partner and my lovely nephew since Easter. It was the first time they have not visited me over summer and I haver certainly been avoiding them, especially her partner in the last months or year. Our relationship changed or the differences between us, that we never adress, became more visible during their last visit in our city.
We grew up in a countryside with a very right wing mindset. I, myself, only became more aware of the structural and straight-forward rassism after moving into the nearest city as a teenager. I am well known to be the “black sheep” in the family and only my mum and sister had simpaphy for me speaking up against the most obvious racistic and hatefull statments against people of other nationalitlies.
I have not had any contact with most of my family (including my dad) since the start of the pandamic as things god more complicated. I have been seing my nephew more regularly during the pandamic to take him swimming and other places as his parents were not vaccinated and therefore not aloud to do much. They visited me in summer 2021 as every year as most messurements were eased during this time.
I loved them visisting for many reasons but also because they and my especially my nephew would see and meet people of colour and have a good time with them on play grounds etc. With him getting older, there were some pretty embarassing statements from him towards poc and my sister did a great job calling him out and explaining him, how wrong and hurtfull such statements are. Her partner would keep his distance and keep on telling everyone, who would listen how different live in his village would be.
One evening, the little huma was in bed and my sister, her partner, my partner and me were learning a new card game, a friend from our teenage time co-developed. I expressed, who dissapointed I was, that the rules were again writting in a non inclusive language despite this friend being rather aware of gender disrimiation. From there things quickly moved to a discussion, where my sister started to make statements like “black people are always aggressive”. This was (understandibly) to much for my partner to take in and he threw the cards to the floor and shouted, that he can and does not want to tolerate such racism in his house anymore and he does not want to be around such people. My nervosystem reaction was so stron I do not recall,what else happend for the rest of the evening. My partner was not speaking to me for 2 days after that evening. My sister and her family left the next day.
My partner and I somehow sorted things out afterwards between us and my sister and I never talked about the event. But our relationship clearly became more distant even in winter, when I was visisting them and taking my nephew out during the next “lockdown”. Last christmas we did not meet, because mum had covid. Instead, we played online card games.
This chrismas we agreed to celebrate her place. Well actually, I am not sure, if my partner really agreed to come. I will talk this through with him. I would love to have him there, though, as it is not only my mum, my sister, her partner and my nephew but another ount and potentially an uncle. This uncle I have not seen (but on funerals) since I was a kid and he put his finger in my vagina and scratched his face, which I apologized for later on. This uncle was supposed to be dead from cancer by now but apparently it is not as bad as he thought it was, when he gave up his flat and dried to kill himself. I thought, this was carma getting him, finally. This very uncle now lives on my mums coach and drives her out her place with his transgressive behaviour. Yet, she keeps saying how much she loves him and he is what she belives to have left from a supportive family. WEll, I thing that thought started to change recently but she still feels oblidged to support him.
My partner knows all this. And he knows, that I could really do with him being there but I do not know, if I am puuting to much pressure on him and how he and I would react under all this pressure. I feel like being very dramatic and would love some suggestions to offer my brain to get distracted from this tantrum. It might all be superfecially nice and extually enjoyable and it will only be 24 hours of an explosive mix ind a 4 room flat. I actually might look for air bnbn in the area. And I’ll be in my summer – if I can handle this mix, than then. Yea, alread helpful thoughts coming in. I am curious to hear more suggestions from you. 🙂