Wedding invite from hell

Hi,
I recently found out that a friend of mine has got engaged. We’re old school friends but have been less close over the years. I know that I will be invited to the wedding – but basically, I really don’t want to go. It’s not because of an issue between us, but I’m no longer part of our old school friendship group and she is. I lost those friends about 8 years ago after I had feelings for one of them and it was all tied to a pretty traumatic coming out experience. I’ve been dreading the moment when the friend I’m still in touch with gets married – but now that it’s come I have absolutely no interest in going. Yes we’re friends, and I’m happy for her. But I know hands down that going to this event and seeing those people (including the girl who I’d been in love with and is now married to the girl she got together with instead of me at the time) in that context would be absolute hell. I’m sure I could force myself, but I know the emotional fall-out from it would be horrendous. I just don’t want to go. But it also feels harsh of me, and I’m not sure how the friend will handle it. Part of me worries I’ll regret missing being a part of that important day for her. But it’s not just that – this day has been in my head for a long time, as a potential time that I’d see those people after the awful fall-out. I don’t have a conscious interest in reconciling, but maybe there is a part of me that knows this would be shutting the door for good – even though it kind of already is.
Do you have any advice on untangling this?
Thanks!

 

 

Answer:

The person who went through all that 8 years ago…what do they need right now? Give yourself that.  How do you want to feel about these other humans that you used to socialize with? Do some exploring as a gift to yourself.  What happened happened. Your experience matters. Just gently notice how your brain is now hurting you because of the way you are thinking about them. Even the wedding…I’m guessing will be in a few months? A year? Do you want to suffer in all the time leading up to the wedding, and perhaps after? You don’t need to reconcile with them, but can you reconcile with yourself? You are powerful.