Weight Gain and Attraction

Hi Coaches,
I have recently gotten stuck in my head and started catastrophised about the worry of “what If my partner gains weight and I no longer find him attractive”. And as a consequence the relationship will end, and it is my fault, because I didnt find im attractive and I ruined everything..
This worry manifests itself in a certain way.
I noticed that I am subconsciously monitor and control what he eats, like my brain just keeps track of it, and judges it. At times this comes out as pointed comments at him.
Or I check in what he had to eat, or if he has gone to the gym, or suggest a walk.
I have done some reflecting and I believe this is something my mum did to my brother and I. We grew up with many comments around eating behaviour and it looks like i have internalised it.
I would really like to stop doing this and to especially stop the judging and the comments. I find it really mean and controlling towards my partner and I don’t like the reason why I do it.
I believe the reason why I do it is the aforementioned worry “that If my partner gains weight – I won’t find him attractive and it will end the relationship” as a motivator behind the controlling. And i am thinking that maybe my brain is doing the monitoring as a protection for me to not loose the attraction/relationship. (Thanks brain, ouf)
I also reflected that since I’ve been in the relationship with my partner I have struggled with my own desire and sexuality. I am bisexual and realise that there is still some acceptance and exploration work in this area. Furthermore I had a long and intense bout of depression which took away all interest in sex. Both of these things have made me feel anxious, and insecure about my own desire and the attraction towards my partner. Also a lot of self blaming.

My partner is going through a difficult time right now and he is comfort eating. Quantities that I am not used to and my brain started firing up.

I have already done some thought downloads on this and want to give myself grace – and also want to give my partner grace. I also did some reading online as well as AAC and found there are many people who share similar situations.
I have coached myself into acknowledging that attraction is fluid and also acceptance that attraction is subjective and I am not to blame for a certain thing I’m attracted to.
However, currently it seems it does not give my brain enough security to drop the worry and controlling actions towards my partner.
Grateful for any guidance and direction on what steps to take with this. Thank you

 

 

Answer:

First, you are right on about giving yourself so much grace as you sort through this. It’s very brave to be diving into these questions and noticing what brought you here. If your best friend was struggling with their thoughts around food/weight/attraction/childhood memories like you are, what would you tell them? What support would you offer? Give that to yourself.

Check in with your nervous system. It may be extra difficult to tap into thought work right now if you are stuck in an activated state.  When you see your partner eat X amount of food, what happens? When you say you’ll “ruin everything.” What does that mean? Your brain and body are trying to protect your from pain and death.  If you can, gently open up to that worst case scenario. Bring it into the light. Notice how it’s triggering some core fears. You don’t have to fix or change anything. This is enough for now.

We are here to support you. Bring any insights, models or questions back for more coaching.