when to try for a family

My partner and I keep thinking/talking about trying for a family. This has been a desire for us both since before we were married but we married young at 23 and have focused on careers/saving for a house/other fun things etc. I am turning 30 next year and aware of the biological clock. We have lots of friends having babies and it seemed the right time in Spring of this year. We started to try for 6 months but there was no sign of pregnancy. During that time I found myself doubting my marriage- if I even wanted to be in it. This was the first time I had ever thought I didn’t want our relationship. There were reasons e.g we have changed a lot and used to be religious and this bonded us but we aren’t in the same way now, he had low moods with working from home and not having a sense of direction (how he would describe it), meanwhile I was seeing a nutritionist, getting into running and loving my work. It felt like we were opposites and we were arguing a lot. I also developed a crush on a colleague and found that we had amazing conversations – the chemistry felt reciprocal. All this led to a freak out about our marriage and I talked with my husband saying I had doubts but didn’t know what I wanted. I stayed with my parents for 2 days and I realised I hadn’t even tried to work on the relationship. I realised I wanted a new relationship but with the same person. We came back together and have done a marriage course this term and been spending more quality time together. We are both individually in therapy and have been for a while and we continued this. We also stopped trying for a family as it didn’t feel right any more. The last 3 months we have been enjoying time together more and changing some ways of being together, arguing better etc. We have talked about couples therapy but spend so much money on both our therapies that it feels like one thing too much and money has been tight. More recently we have been a lot happier together and I find myself really loving him and wanting it to work. I have started thinking I’d like to try for a family again but the thought goes through my mind: what if the grass is greener? what if I met someone else? what if my crush and I work together again? what if I met someone else ? My therapist thinks I haven’t had lots of romantic experiences due to marrying young/being quite religious in the past and that this is a natural curiosity. I agree but I find I can’t shake this thought: there is something very final about having a baby together and this means that a relationship with someone else isn’t an option so I find I want to delay having a baby until I feel more certain I want the marriage. But what is weird is that I do want to be with my husband, I just struggle at the way in which having a baby closes down the potential for other relationships. Part of me wonders if I will always wonder about having other relationships and I don’t want to wait for that to go away before diving into starting a family as maybe by the time the thought goes away I’ll miss the boat. I am aware too that pregnancy didn’t happen straight away for us so I don’t know how long this process may be and don’t want to keep delaying. That said, my concerns about my marriage weren’t long ago and I don’t want to get pregnant and then discover my marital concerns are still alive. Feeling like I’d love to have some different thoughts about my actual relationship/the fantasy of being with someone else but not sure where to start. When I think of who I am without the thought of being with someone else I feel I could be really happy in my marriage and would want to start a family. This is my goal, I’d love if you can help me get there!

 

 

Answer:

What if it doesn’t matter what’s going to happen with your relationship in the future and you just focused on what you want right now? Our brain offers us a lot of stories about what might happen, but all of it is made up. Whether you end up with your partner in rocking chairs side by side in 50 years or something changes tomorrow, we don’t know. What do you want today?  Of course take into account your values and be thoughtful. This decision with your marriage and a baby seems really big and hard to decide but you can use the same tools you would use for any decision.

Look at your choices, look at your reasons, decide if you like them, figure out the next step you want to take and start moving. You will build self confidence and gather more information as you move forward. Indulging in indecision and staying stuck is a decision. And it’s not a problem unless you want to get unstuck. Remember, you can always change your mind. Try filling out this model and see what comes up. Start with the result you offered in your final question.

C: my family

T: What would you want to think to create this feeling?

F: How do you need to feel to take these actions?

A: What would you need to do to create this result? What would you stop doing?

R: I am happy in my marriage and start trying to conceive.