who gets to be in on my goal setting?

My goal has to do with my business and therefore has an affect on my family’s finances. My husband wants to know more about what I am aiming for, what I see myself earning financially and on what timeline. I have not felt empowered by past conversations about goals with him, and failure to reach my goals feels more fraught when he is in on them. I feel myself keeping my goals smaller when he asks, protecting myself from the shame of failing in front of him. And I think it is reasonable of him to want to know what to expect and plan for. We have a good partnership, but money is almost always a tough topic and we are in a season of transitions. We both want more predictability. I am home with the kids full time and I have a business I really believe in that is growing very slowly. I believe he thinks it’s failing and I know it’s inevitable that it will grow to be something worthy of the time and money I’ve invested in it. How do I/we decide what to share and what I get to keep to myself.

Answer:

I think that a question to answer before you dive into deciding what to share and keep to yourself is why failing in front of your husband is something that you need to protect yourself from? Where does the shame come from and what does failing in front of your husband mean for (or about) you?
Next, think about what the purpose of deciding what to keep and what to share is. Is it to protect yourself from feeling ashamed or to create a sense of safety and security? There is no wrong answer here, however…

When we decide what to hold close to our chests in order to avoid the way we feel when someone asks/does/says something that triggers us, we are creating a very fragile situation because our success (in avoiding feeling shame in this case) is dependent on someone else’s behavior (which we can’t control). Additionally, this keeps us in an activated state on the autonomic ladder…where we feel compelled to fight or flee should things not go according to plan… or just give up because we’ve landed in ‘collapse and withdraw’.

Whether your goal is to come to an understanding with yourself about what you’re going to share, or with your partner about what he needs to know, the question is: How can you do that from a place of feeling security within yourself? Plug security into the F line and see what thoughts create that for you in this circumstance. What would you do from that feeling of security? What result would you create for yourself? Come back for more coaching when you’re ready.