Work Persona Anxiety

This is a very convoluted situation as I want to be the best in what I am doing, but I dont even think this is what I want to be doing. Well my brain has already said
“maybe you should do something else. You know you can do something else.”
To which I respond to my brain that I don’t know what I can do and am fearful of giving up stable employment for what I have dismissed as just dreams of no labor. Well at least not doing this work (I’m a social work manager in the USA overseeing 7 staff; social work is rough stuff no matter where you are).
At work, I struggle with this oscillation of feeling valuable to the team and satisfied with what I do and happy to see the impact of our collective work, but then get overwhelmed and disillusioned by all the work expectations from leadership and from my direct reports. I’m a middle child stuck in middle management; the powerlessness is palpable. I hate the days where I think all that I do is reactionary and those days are many. I’m am showing up late, im not drinking enough water, all the tells for someone burning out if not burnt out already. I love the agency I work at and I enjoy parts of my work, but I struggle to get myself out of a funk sometimes when I feel apathetic or inadequate in the role. I pride myself on a “work persona” of being open, approachable, and uplifting. This is not an act. On my good days, I am singing, humming, and dancing. You might catch my jogging to do a task and I am ALWAYS making myself available for my team and staff who dont even report to me. Just last week I tried to facilitate a virtual supervision when the new staff came in my room and flopped in a chair and two other staff came to the door with quick questions and another colleague called me on the phone; the overwhelming downside to having an open door policy, but I loved it and it was stressful. I still am in awe of how I worked through the needs of everyone who showed up in that 15 minute window.
An example of inadequacy: facilitating a training on how to use computer system. Boss presents, peer manager presents. I come up and go through a tedious how to in the system that is boring even myself as I do it AND I might have said to enter email addresses in a certain spot “for shiggles” (shits and giggles). My one report giggled as I knew they would. The feedback I received from the group was they thought the conversation overall was helpful and one person said that, while it was tedious, they went through it with me and now they understand in a way they had not before. I took this as I win, but then I fell into comparison and wished I could present the information more “professionally” and could not use slang and such. I also wished I was more comfortable with sounding like an authority and knowing the nuances of our program. I recognize and honor that I am not like that, and I bring other strengths to the team. The very things I was feeling self-conscious about as I compared myself to my colleagues I acknowledged in them and praised (I told my colleague that I appreciate how he is able to explain things to the team.) That made me feel better in the moment, but I still have feelings that I am a weak link of the management team. They all say no and that I do so many things that make this department function…
I know I am valuable, and this place will fall apart if and when I leave. I think about my successorship plan everyday and plan for if I leave or die. I do good work, yet I doubt myself and worry that this is all wrong and I’m actually failing. I honestly dont know what I want to be coached on. This is my first time using ask a coach.

 

Answer:

Welcome to Ask a Coach! It is powerful to just write down everything you’ve been thinking and feeling. What have you noticed since you submitted your question?
When you are in a struggle where you are wondering if you should change jobs, it is helpful to do the work to see what is really happening and find some peace in your job and in yourself before changing circumstances. Otherwise you will bring the same stuff to the next job, because our brains come with us.
Some of the thoughts you might want to explore are:
maybe I should do something else.
social work is rough stuff no matter where you are
I struggle to get myself out of a funk sometimes when I feel apathetic or inadequate in the role.
I fell into comparison and wished I could present the information more “professionally” and could not use slang and such.
I am a weak link of the management team
this place will fall apart if and when I leave
There is nothing wrong with these thoughts. Right now they probbly just feel like facts and observations you are sharing with us. They are optional thoughts, which is the best news because it means you have the power to shift them if you want to.
What I notice in these thoughts are two things-self doubt and taking responsibility for other people’s experiences (including putting the weight of the whole place on your back). I would offer that you pick one of the thoughts above and just sit with it. Look at it. Be curious about it. See how it’s affecting your feelings, actions and results.
C: I am employed at ____social work office
T: this place will fall apart if and when I leave.
F: how does that thought feel?
A: what do you do or not do when you feel this way?
R: what is your result?
Please bring your models or questions back to AAC or a coaching call.