This is a very convoluted situation as I want to be the best in what I am doing, but I dont even think this is what I want to be doing. Well my brain has already said
“maybe you should do something else. You know you can do something else.”
To which I respond to my brain that I don’t know what I can do and am fearful of giving up stable employment for what I have dismissed as just dreams of no labor. Well at least not doing this work (I’m a social work manager in the USA overseeing 7 staff; social work is rough stuff no matter where you are).
At work, I struggle with this oscillation of feeling valuable to the team and satisfied with what I do and happy to see the impact of our collective work, but then get overwhelmed and disillusioned by all the work expectations from leadership and from my direct reports. I’m a middle child stuck in middle management; the powerlessness is palpable. I hate the days where I think all that I do is reactionary and those days are many. I’m am showing up late, im not drinking enough water, all the tells for someone burning out if not burnt out already. I love the agency I work at and I enjoy parts of my work, but I struggle to get myself out of a funk sometimes when I feel apathetic or inadequate in the role. I pride myself on a “work persona” of being open, approachable, and uplifting. This is not an act. On my good days, I am singing, humming, and dancing. You might catch my jogging to do a task and I am ALWAYS making myself available for my team and staff who dont even report to me. Just last week I tried to facilitate a virtual supervision when the new staff came in my room and flopped in a chair and two other staff came to the door with quick questions and another colleague called me on the phone; the overwhelming downside to having an open door policy, but I loved it and it was stressful. I still am in awe of how I worked through the needs of everyone who showed up in that 15 minute window.
An example of inadequacy: facilitating a training on how to use computer system. Boss presents, peer manager presents. I come up and go through a tedious how to in the system that is boring even myself as I do it AND I might have said to enter email addresses in a certain spot “for shiggles” (shits and giggles). My one report giggled as I knew they would. The feedback I received from the group was they thought the conversation overall was helpful and one person said that, while it was tedious, they went through it with me and now they understand in a way they had not before. I took this as I win, but then I fell into comparison and wished I could present the information more “professionally” and could not use slang and such. I also wished I was more comfortable with sounding like an authority and knowing the nuances of our program. I recognize and honor that I am not like that, and I bring other strengths to the team. The very things I was feeling self-conscious about as I compared myself to my colleagues I acknowledged in them and praised (I told my colleague that I appreciate how he is able to explain things to the team.) That made me feel better in the moment, but I still have feelings that I am a weak link of the management team. They all say no and that I do so many things that make this department function…
I know I am valuable, and this place will fall apart if and when I leave. I think about my successorship plan everyday and plan for if I leave or die. I do good work, yet I doubt myself and worry that this is all wrong and I’m actually failing. I honestly dont know what I want to be coached on. This is my first time using ask a coach.