Work rumination

Context: I am a teacher – head of year and head of department. I recently sent an application off for an assistant head of year role at another school and I didn’t get an interview. I spent so many weekends in my 20s working and I have recently stepped back from this. But I am noticing that I am becoming a less trusted person in the team by my manager and I tend to compare and despair. I have written out a model with a particular example below:
C: we had a meeting at work about our anti-bullying policy and I made a contribution.
T: people think I am stupid. People will think I read the anti-bullying policy in a black and white way and was rigid and I don’t understand the nuance. My manager praised other people’s ideas during the meeting. He doesn’t think I have good ideas. He values certain people over others. He thinks my colleague H is better than me. He no longer thinks I’m good at my job.
F: ashamed, embarrassed, demotivated, inadequate.
A: I become impatient and a bit disengaged at work. I look for evidence to support my ideas that people think I am stupid. I compare and despair. I fry and find as many ways as I can to demonstrate I know what I am talking about and I am not incompetent.
R: burnout and rumination or back into a stress cycle.

I am quite aware there are probably smacks of entitlement across this. Reading it back shows me how much I am catastrophising everything.

I feel a little stuck in this during my school day and would like to ask for some advice about how I could move out of this so it doesn’t all take up so much head space!

 

 

Answer:

You’ve done some great self coaching here and you can see what’s happening quite well. Have compassion for the part of you that is in a bit of scarcity mode around your job and external validation. Your unconscious brain is afraid you’ll be kicked out of the safe,warm cave. How can you reassure it that you are safe?

Right now you want to find some thoughts that will help you believe that your manager and coworkers will think highly of you. I would offer that what you really need to do is start thinking highly of yourself. If you knew without a doubt that you were amazing at your job, that you had great ideas and you are smart, the rest of what you are going through would be much less painful. You could process disappointment over not getting the job but not make it mean anything. You could be in a meeting and be confident instead of hyper aware of other people’s reactions to what you say. After the meeting you would be able to focus on other things rather than replaying it in your mind. You might even be open to getting feedback. Notice how even in your question here you put yourself down a little bit.

What do you want to think about yourself? How do you want to feel about yourself? What do you believe about your ability to thrive at work? What if it wasn’t a problem that your boss favors certain people? See what comes up as you process this and bring back any questions or models.