Working through anger with family

Last Christmas I was really struggling being apart from my family. They all live in Australia which has had a hard/shut boarder till earlier this year. I hadn’t seen them for almost 3 years, in which time my sister had gotten married and had her first child and both my grandmothers celebrated their 90th, not to mention all the Christmas and birthdays. I missed out on a lot of family time. I was feeling really cutt off from them so I would call them often, however when they would all meet up they would stop answering the phone. And they seldom called me.
So last Christmas, I was in a particular dark autumn fase and I messaged them letting them know that I felt very cutt off from them and that I hurt and angery that I hadn’t been allowed home. That I felt they didn’t understand my situation and I needed to stop communicating with them for a while. I perhaps could have worded the message better, but it wasn’t a mean accusing rant either.

My brother was very understanding and compassionate (and still is) but my mum and sister had no space for my expression of feelings. My mum said I ruined Christmas and my sister said she was really insulated. It is a common theme in my relationship to my mum and sister that I am called the glue of the family but if/when I express some emotion other than happiness or caring it is met with gaslighting or contempt.
I would like some coaching on how to set some healthy boundaries and to change my thoughts around my mum and sister.
This I’m my first ever thought process model:
The C, is as above
My T, is that they aren’t safe people.
That I am not able to talk to them the right way
That I am below them
My F is, hurt, unseen, angry (very angry) small
My A has been avoidance and ruminating

I want to be able to have them in my life without feeling so angry at them. There is many other circumstances in the past that are similar that I am still hurt and angery over. But maybe if I can work through this recent event I can work through bthe others.

 

Answer:

Thank you for bringing this here, and nice job with your first model. Before we slide into setting boundaries, I’d like to focus on processing the feelings that you have that create a desire for boundaries in the first place. One reason is that you’ve already set a boundary: I need to stop communicating. The other reason is that boundaries don’t remedy feelings from the past. Processing does.

So, in that spirit, tell me more about your anger. Why do you feel angry about your mother and sister and when you feel angry about them, where does it live in your body? When you respond, title your submission “Working through anger with family pt. 2” so we know what you’re following up on.