Worthiness

Hello coaches,

I’d appreciate your thoughts (on my thoughts!) on interactions that I have with my dad. Often when I’m telling him a story (it can be as simple as what I did that day), I can feel flustered.
Thoughts that come up for me are: he’s not interested in what I’m saying, my story is too detailed, I’m taking too long to tell the story, now I’m thinking about how detailed my story is and it’s becoming even more boring!
These thoughts feel as though they’re related to worthiness and being good enough, and I suspect ultimately at the root of it is wanting love and acceptance from my dad.

I do use a lot of detail in my stories! And I truly would love to explore the art of telling stories because I think it’s a really valuable skill. I also truly think that I could improve my stories by getting to the point a bit quicker!!

Why do I think this?! Because my mum tells her stories very similarly, with lots of details! And how do I often respond? In the same way my dad often responds to me, and the same way I see him responding to her very often. Glazing over and becoming disinterested or inpatient! So, I’m repeating a pattern I’ve watched, both in how I tell stories and how I engage with people who use as much detail as I do!

A few things come up for me when I’m being curious about this:
– Am I projecting my discomfort that I’ve felt throughout my life of seeing my dad’s waning interest in my mum’s stories/ gradual impatience and making it about me also?
– In the same way, there is a big piece around self-worth that I see for my mum in their relationship as he had an affair on and off for 10 years- am I attaching that to my interactions with my dad? What am I making that mean about me?
– How would I like my dad to listen and respond to me? Can I can request that from him, without expectation that he does so? How much expectation do I have around the way he listens currently?!!
– Compassion: for myself and for my mum when I’m listening to her stories. This is how I communicate, and whilst I’d like to work on this as a future goal, can I feel as though the way I tell stories currently is good enough? Can I trust my worth? Would this self-acceptance and self-worth help me to be more present in the way I tell stories and therefore more “interesting”?
– That last question has made me wonder whether not being interested enough has become a more embedded thought error (limiting belief?) than I’d realised!!
– More exploration is necessary: What are the facts? How exactly does my dad respond when I’m telling him something. It’s not every time, do I notice when he’s listening in a way that feels present to me? I actually do notice when the quality of his listening is more present- can those be times I can celebrate more and other times think “he’s only human. Humans can’t be present all the time. This isn’t about me”
– When putting into a model, I’m struggling to be objective in the C line eg dad stops listening when I’m telling a story. A C line that is more objective might be C: telling dad a story but then the thoughts that arise eg he’s not listening seems to be an assumption on my part. UNLESS..would it be helpful to always assume he is listening, even if his body language suggests my story is taking a long time?!
– Does this pop up elsewhere in other interactions I have? Yes, sometimes- so is that more to do with self-worth and taking up space?

 

 

Answer:

 

Let’s put this into a model.

C: Telling a story, Dad
T: My story is too detailed
F: Flustered
S: How does this show up in your body?
A: Think more about the details of the story, think more about how I’m not doing a good job of telling it, think more about what my dad might be thinking, make assumptions about his body language, connect his body language and responses to how he responds to mum’s stories.
R: Focus on details about how I’m telling the story and not the story itself, and I give myself evidence to support the assumption about why it’s too detailed

How does this land? I’d like to zoom out for a second. Think about what it is you are doing when you’re telling a story to your dad. Why tell him a story at all? What’s your most desired result? Let that sit with you a moment. What do you notice coming up for you? Bring that back to us and we’ll coach more on it.